Written by King David
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Wednesday, 7 March 2007

image for God ends centuries old commute; will live amongst the people
God has been commuting for years; will not longer make long drive in exchange for time with the people

God announced today that He was tired of commuting from Heaven and would be trading in his Lexus for a smaller vehicle soon, possibly a Toyota truck.

"That's what they drive in the 3rd world," He said. "Those babies run forever."

He also said that He wanted to live amongst the people and be closer to them, none of this white flight, sanctimonious exodus stuff.

For many centuries, the Christian God has lived in Heaven, a gated community outside of Los Angles as noted in the Lords Prayer, "Our Father Who Art in Heaven..." and commuted to work.

But, now, after Al Gore and greater awareness of the burden that people have put on the earth, pressure from environmental groups and decreasing numbers attending Christian Churches, God is making a move back into people's lives again.

"I want get out of this car culture and off the damned beltline, so that I can actually spend more time with the people I love," He said. "No Religion should feel that they must compete for my time just because I chose to spend more time in the damned traffic. I want everyone to realize that I'm accessible and do have a cell phone and am no longer just in the clouds somewhere separated from them by glass and steel."

Members of the Moral Majority, the Virginia-based Family Policy Network, and Workers of United Steel say that God was feeling under pressure and was just being sarcastic when He said those words. They say he was angry that his wireless provider, Hermes Sprint overcharged Him on last month's phone bill and refused to give him free minutes on long distance calls from Heaven.

"We understand that anyone, even God, will say things they don't really mean," said televangelist and founder of Liberty University the Reverend Jerry Falwell. "But just listen to me and you will no longer have any doubts what to believe. I am the mouthpiece of God."

For centuries, the Christian God has made a commute from the gated community of Heaven. But recently due to heavier traffic and construction on the highway the commute has taken longer which has frustrated Him.

Reasons given for the heavier traffic were: rampant development and imitations of Heaven built nearby, increased warfare leading to more death on the planet sending more people to Heaven, thieves trying to break in to Heaven, service trucks trying to keep thieves out of Heaven, narrow-mindedness, paranoia, fast food restaurants, literalist interpretations of scripture, more use of the highway by Right wing Christian fundamentalists driving SUVs (Stomp Underweight Vegans), and more people dying of stress.

A full report will be given next month.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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