Written by queen mudder
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Thursday, 1 March 2007

image for Wiccans warn lunar eclipse spells trouble for Anna Nicole burial
Wiccans' sternest warning yet

Bahamas - (ReUterus): The Nassau Earth Mysteries Coven has issued its sternest warning yet that Saturday's Lunar eclipse cuts across strategic astrological lines in Anna Nicole Smith's natal chart

Its spokeswoman told a news conference today that any burial conducted under the run up to the eclipsed Virgo/Pisces lunation is prone to grave cataclysmic forces such as landslides, earth slips, sudden hole in the cemetary syndrome and related phenomena.

This applies particularly to the Lakeview Memorial Gardens and Mausoleums site on the downtown John F. Kennedy Drive where Daniel Smith is buried.

Legend has it that the cemetary is the secret location of the fabled Fountain of Youth that eluded Spanish conquistador Juan Ponce de Leon. The miraculous water feature was bulldozed over by the Spanish Inquisition after Ponce told the Borgia Pope that by drinking its water, old men could be rejuvenated.

This troubled the papacy after Italian hysterian Peter Martyr d'Anghiera confirmed that the liquid could resurrect male passions and peel back ageing: "All the people", d'Anghiera told Pope Alexander Borgia, "and not a few men distinguished by virtue or fortune, hold this to be true."

Old men like J Howard Marshall II, who spent secret nights of honeymooning with his luscious 26 year old bride before allowing her to store his frozen sperm until an auspicious future moment to hatch an egg under a favorable Venus transit?

Burying the mother of his rejuvenated loins baby under the eclipsed Virgo moon could be like "taking a bite out of a dead woman's uterus" and could incur the wrath of Hecate, goddess of the wilderness and childbirth, of witchcraft and Wicca.

"And a typically Virgie Arthur woman hell-bent on retribution".

According to Wiccan lore the fabled Hecate has rulership of graveyards, phases of the moon and over the Charites, deities of life that blossoms and yields fruit. But an updated cosmology warns 21st century pagans that in the Hellboy comics (Ouch! Howard K Stern..) Hecate swallows Hellboy whole and almost destroys him.

Hellboy is the infant brought to Earth by Nazi occultists and raised by the US Bureau for Paranormal Research.

The eclipsed full moon is on Saturday 3 March, at 12 degrees Virgo, Eastern Time Zone.

Make queen mudder's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 2 multiplied by 1?

8 14 2 6

Go to top ^