Written by Monkey Woods
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Topics: McDonalds

Thursday, 8 February 2007

image for McDonalds McEmpire McCrumbling?
The news left this guy crying into his burger

The end may be on its way for fast food favourite McDonalds, if recent events are anything to go by. As well as the 'semen in the McNuggets' rumours, several of the chain's outlets across the UK have served their last McMuffin, giving rise to speculation that the brand may have lost its appeal, and is close to bankruptcy.

The first branch to close was in Hull, Yorkshire. Staff there were forced to admit defeat after fourteen fish and chip shops surrounded the McDonalds in a 'pincer movement', taking customers prisoner, and forcefeeding them haddock.

McNext to close was the outlet in Dudley, West Midlands. This closure was especially disastrous, especially for the locals, who had come to depend on the slop served up, and regarded it as their "staple diet".

Dora Bennett, 450lbs, a customer who holds the Midlands Anti-slimmer of the Year title, wailed in pain as she told how she now has to travel a gruelling 15 miles to Birmingham to satisfy her McCravings.

Other restaurants are scheduled to shut down, of which ten are in the capital.

One of these is in Westminster, and regulars amongst the clientèle include Channel 4 News presenter Jon Snow.

Asked for his reaction, he said: "There has been a massive swing towards Burger King, and substantial gains have been made by KFC. People have voted with their mouths and, if McDonalds don't get more seats, their supporters will desert them."

The government's Employment minister Tony Jobless gave a measured response when asked about what the future held for McDonalds: "Whether or not you like McDonalds is immaterial. The crumbling of an empire is always an economic disaster, not least for the seven million McEmployees."

Still, at least when they sign on at the dole office, they'll be getting a McPayRise!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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