Written by Sirius
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Sunday, 30 November 2003

It was recently discovered that the most famous work of J.R.R Tolkein (The Hobbit/LOTR) was in fact not written by Tolkein at all.

The revelation comes, at a time when many are enjoying the supposed author's work which has been turned into a movie trilogy by director Peter Jackson.

Tolkein's son, Simon, an author himself has shockingly confirmed the astonishing rumours.

In an exclusive interview Mr. Tolkein said, "My father had a friend who was a butcher. He lived just up the road from us, and was an avid writer. However Mr......(name has been censored for personal family reasons) never considered getting his work published."

When asked how his father managed to get the butcher's beautiful work, he replied;

"I remember one day when I was very young my father came home looking more upset than I'd ever seen him before. He said that our butcher friend had died of blood loss in a freak accident at work when he was chopping a carcass for beef chops, when the cleaver he was using slipped and cut off his hand from his wrist down."

Mr. Tolkein continued by saying that he remembered his father's face light up. Upon asking his dad why he now looked so happy, his dad replied;
"I've thought of a way to increase our income son."

Apparently when Simon Tolkein followed his father out the house he watched horrified as his father broke into the butcher's and stole the texts written by his deceased butcher friend, to later pass them off as his own.

When asked why he had kept the truth quiet for so long, Simon Tolkein said, "Well my father had such a huge success with his friend's texts that I figured since I wanted to be an author all my life I could use my father's fame as publicity for my own books, and by hell was it successful. I've sold loads of my novels.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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