Written by Cool Papa Bell
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Thursday, 1 May 2014

HALLOWED BOWELS OF CITY HALL, TORONTO, CANADA -- Mayor Rob Ford said he is taking a break from his re-election campaign to get help for his substance abuse issues after a video filmed over the weekend showed him smoking a 20-pound brisket.

"I've done some dumb-ass things with alcohol, crack, crack pipes, crack whores, crack stains, but my latest indiscretion has finally left me thinking, 'How the f#*@ am I not dead!'" Ford said in a statement released by his attorney.

In the video -- secretly filmed by Ford's butcher -- Ford is seen using a barbecue rub on the brisket, trying to stuff it into a long cooper-colored crack pipe, then taking a drag and exhaling an aromatic mesquite-scented smoke, as he completely ignored the recommended smoking time of 15 hours.

Ford's sister Kathy, a self-professed addict, and a man who looks like Ford's shady former driver Alessandro "Sandro" Lisi, both appear in the video, trimming the brisket before Ford applied the rub and trying to light charcoals and wood chips which they stuffed into the crack pipe.

The video shows Ford sweating profusely as he smokes the meat, then starting to dance and taking his clothes off, revealing a fat man's Chippendale outfit.

The footage is part of a package of three videos Ford's butcher secretly filmed, and which he says is now selling as "a 3 for 1 special."

The second clip shows Ford sticking a meat-injecting needle into his arm that was said to contain a lemon pepper marinade. The third video shows Ford eating the apple out of the mouth of delicately-smoked whole hog.

"I have a little problem with my weight too," he said.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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