Written by Jack Allen
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Topics: Alcohol, Research, life

Thursday, 8 May 2014

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Officially better than staying in and watching Newsnight

An extensive study has revealed that people who drink on a weekly or fortnightly basis with friends are in serious danger of enjoying their lives.

Contrary to popular belief that alcohol just leads to health problems, fights and contracting STDs from easy ugly people, enjoying life with friends is the main outcome of pounding a few brewskis on a regular basis.

The research comes from the only reliable source for information on this matter, Dublin City University, who state that people who do not drink or do so on a quarterly basis, are either "boring", "feckless losers", or "have a substantial amount of English heritage".

Whilst some may argue the above statements, it is now officially tough shit as a group of university professors have stated this as fact. As we all know, those who work and study at universities are not at all detached from the real world, so no one cannot doubt these findings on any level.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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