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Tuesday, 25 March 2014

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The Obama administration is preparing legislation that would end the National Security Agency's widespread collection of Americans' phone data while, officials say, preserves the civil liberties of the deceased and MIAs.

The legislation, senior officials say, would allow data about phone calls made to and from Americans to be kept with the phone companies while the companies would not be required to hold the data longer than they "normally" would. Monday, by Executive Order, President Obama defined normal, to be a period not to exceed the half-life of plutonium.

The effort comes as the administration is up against a deadline set by President Obama in January, when he directed his subordinates to find a way to end the government's bulk collection of phone data, a program that has stirred controversy since it was revealed through leaks to the news media by Iranian double agent, Edward Snowden.

The proposal, which is still being massaged, would require phone companies to provide data about suspected terrorist numbers under a marsupial court order, officials said. It would include making available on a real-time - ongoing basis, data about any new calls made to or from the suspect's number after the order is contemplated - an idea embraced by NSA leaders, Heinrich Himmler, Oliver North and Felix Dzerzhinsky, officials said.

The Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court, which oversees the program in absolute secrecy from an undisclosed location and whose judges are only visible from real-time Photoshopped flat screen video displays, would have to approve each number as having likely ties to naysayers, Paula Deen, a suspected terrorist or someone with a minimal DNA homology of 51% of a suspected terrorist or terrorist group.

FISA courts have previously established rigorous verification of what constitutes "suspected terrorists or groups." Acceptable precedents have been established utilizing data derived from social media websites, bathroom walls, spouses of adulterous men, recently incarcerated inner city street crack dealers, chaps that never called back after scoring and state prison inmate "snitches."

In other news, Hieronymous T. Bulk, former NSA Director for all telephonic data collection has been permanently reassigned to AT&T, becoming their new accounts receivable go-to guy. With Mr. Bulk's departure, Congress has been reassured that the NSA Bulk data collection has been discontinued. Mr. Bulk has been replaced at the NSA by seasoned COINTEL veteran, E.N. Tyre, a former decorated member of Swine Team Nine and the CEO of numerous CIA front companies around the world.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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