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Friday, 21 March 2014

image for God Confirms: Images of Mary Not Present in Tree Bark or Rust Stains
Carl Fernandez-Martinez thinking about his farts

Heaven (CNN) - Saying "Enough is enough," God yesterday released a statement making it clear that He is not creating images of The Virgin Mary, Jesus, any Saints, or any other sort of image in tree bark, rust stains, scars, Cheetos, reflections from mirrors or any other tangible physical medium. Said the statement "If I wanted to get your attention or give you an indication that I exist, I wouldn't use a Cheeto that contained a likeness of my Son, Jesus Christ, which you could then name Cheesus. Are you kidding? Have you even read the Bible? That just isn't my style. Me-dammit you people can be dense."

Guadaloupe Consuela Fernandez-Martinez, a stay-at-home mom who works evenings in a Nike sweatshop said she didn't believe the statement was really from God. "I know what I saw," said Fernandez-Martinez through an interpreter. "The Blessed Virgin was right there, right there on my tortilla!" Fernandez-Martinez couldn't show us the tortilla because her husband Carl had inadvertently used it to make a bean burrito as Fernandez-Martinez ran through the streets of her village screaming about the miracle. Said Carl, "I don't think the image was The Virgin Mary. That burrito gave me some awful farts. Even the dog got up and left. I don't think Our Blessed Virgin would make me fart like that. It was nasty. I wish I could have saved them for the guys down at the fruit stand. They would have died laughing. Or maybe just died!" Carl then erupted into laughter.

When asked about the Fernandez-Martinez incident, God just dropped His head and slowly shook it back and forth, saying "I don't even like Mexican food."

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