Written by Brett Taylor
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Monday, 20 January 2014

image for Biker Pope Ignites Gang War
Pope Francis

The news that Pope Francis has auctioned off his Harley-Davidson sent shock waves through the biker community. The bike had been a gift from the Harley-Davidson motorcycle company, who were reportedly outraged at the religious leader's sudden betrayal of their brand. Previously fans of the American bike had been thrilled at news footage showing the pope rparing throught the streets of Rome on a loud Harley, but rumors of the leader zipping around on a Kawasaki Ninja left them stunned and outraged.

Sonny Barger, founding member of the Hell's Angels, crashed a Vatican news conference this week, calling Pope Franis a sellout and a "an ugly communist pussy" for abandoning the Harley-Davidson brand. The Vatican explanation that the auction was a benefit for charity did nothing to soften the biker leader's views. The Hell's Angels, of course, are staedfast supports of the American gas-guzzling bike, and accuse the pope of being corrupted by Asian money. "It begins here," Barger said, "Today the Pope starts riding a rice rocket. Tomorrow, the Vatican is turned over to Asian domination. Mark my words, in ten years you'll see a Chinese Pope, and what will you do then, huh? Just don't come runnin' to me when your children are saying their prayers in Chinese."

Pope Francis attempted to change the subject by asking Barger why he hadn't been in church lately. "I've got, uh, beer to drink," responded the biker, visibly shaken.

The pontiff urged the biker leader to turn to God for forgiveness. "I call upon my biker brethren to end this madness. Jesus doesn't care what kind of bike you ride, as long as you have one. Burly bikers with huge beer bellies are welcome in the Kingdom of Heaven, as are skinny little Chinese men on their funny little bikes. Again I say, get your ass to Mass."

The pope's call for peace has done little to quell uneasy rumors of an impending biker war. News commentators fear an outbreak of violence similar to the Las Vegas Massacre of 2003, when tensions between the Church and biker gangs exploded in out and out bloodshed as twenty nuns abruptly charged their choppers through Caesar's Palace, wildly blasting their shotguns inside the popular casino. The bloody mayhem killed three Hell's Angels and injured six others, with dozens of onlookers being badly injured. The casino remained closed for six months after.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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