Written by joseph k winter
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Thursday, 19 December 2013

image for Paranormal summoned to Madison's tomb on whether NSA programs should swing from a tall oak tree
The paranormal apologized profusely for the former President's language

News offices today are scrambling to verify reports that certain world leaders have been recommending the oak tree "solution" for current NSA surveillance programs.

Another developing angle stems from unusual noise in the vicinity of President Madison's tomb, the fourth president of the United States.

A representative of the James Madison Society noted the disturbance was more than "the President's usual rolling over in his resting place."

A paranormal from somewhere in Kansas has been summoned.

The analogy for NSA programs and the oak tree might have originated with Mr. John Bolton's recent recommendation for Edward Snowden: "[He] ought to swing from a tall oak tree."

This notion was echoed by ex-CIA director James Woolsey (although contrary to Mr. Bolton Mr. Woolsey did suggest a trial first) in that if convicted Snowden should be "hanged by his neck until he is dead."

Suspicions about who had applied the hang 'em high from an old oak tree solution to NSA surveillance programs first turned to foreign leaders.

In Germany, Chancellor Merkel's office has refused to take responsibility for this oak tree language calling it more suitable to a "wild-eyed lynch mob" than modern diplomatic Germany.

"Ach, but please note," a spokesperson added, "wir sind krank und mude von der Stasi" (we are sick and tired of State Police).

A spokesperson for Brazil's President Dilma Rousseff has also denied this kind of "vigilante melodrama" with this response:

"Este programa es deplorable e incivilados [this program is deplorable and uncivilized], especially when applied to snooping on foreign leaders such as President Rousseff."

Secretary General Ban Ki-moon's representative has asserted, "This kind of 'oak tree' language is not suitable for diplomatic relations. But using the NSA program to spy on the Secretary General is also unacceptable."

Due to all the rumblings at President Madison's tomb, including a strange music, the paranormal was summoned. He bent his ear at a studious angle.

After a lot of hesitation "due to the President's language," he said he would "translate the cursing."

Mr. Madison is upset, the paranormal explained, that "government idiots have failed to study the fourth amendment to the Constitution."

"Right to be secure . . . against unreasonable searches . . . no Warrants shall issue but upon probable cause . . . and that means in a Court of Law, damn you!"

The paranormal's pallor increased due to all the bad language. He held up a hand.

"There's more . . . he's saying . . . any decent high school in America should be a guide to the Constitution. And . . . it's the constitution that's swinging from a tall oak tree!"

Then, "Wait! Wait! There's music! The President has his own band . . . Jefferson on lead guitar, Washington on drums--and and yes! They're singing that old Metallica song--"

Liberty or death, what so proudly we hail
Once you provoke her, rattling of her tail
Never begins it, never, but once engaged
Never surrenders, showing the fangs of rage

Don't tread on me
So be it
Threaten no more . . .

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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