Written by John Peurach
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Monday, 2 December 2013

image for Pope-A-Dope Part 3: At Which Point You Know Who (Just For The Heaven And You Know Where Of It) Does What He Can To Further Prove That 1+2<3
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE VATICAN - Uh-oh, time to hold onto something live, local and late-breaking.

VATICAN CITY - And so, to sum things up.

"Wait! No…..huh?"

Oh yeah. In other words, more or less, recklessly composed for just such an occasion, here's an otherwise additional supply from Pope Francis, as unleashed recently via his first official stab at telling it like he thinks it is regarding whatever it was he thought needed an up to speed reset, of sorts, at this point of the right about now (and how) on with the showgram.

In still other words…..

"I most definitely prefer a church that is beat up, bruised about the head and face, kicked smack dab in the cheap hotel, hurting like big time, you know, as in, knocked down, dragged out, and, oh yeah, all dirtied up the way it's supposed to be. Or, at least meant to be," Pope Francis wrote. "On account of it being -besides totally far out, man - always out there on the real have to go there streets, rather than just a church that is anything but just thinking it's healthy as a result of it being overly confined without a heart or mind inside a phantom world of its own, now and forever desperately hanging on to its once proud security, while only concerned with being at the center of nothing to write home about, all caught up in a worldwide web of nothing but misguided obsessions and self-preserving procedures. Without the nicks and cuts of a blade."

And, well, since he was apparently still in the mood to keep piling it on with the nearest available kick ass word play - although, chances are no sleep for five days straight and nothing but fish sticks, black coffee, and red licorice to live on may have helped foster such a noticeable no turn back condition - Pope Francis added:

"More than by simply fear itself going off the rails, my sincerest of all game saving hopes is that we - that is, me and all those eager to hop on board and get into gear with me, voices in the head included - will systematically be moved and grooved enough by the unrepentant fear of remaining trapped within structures that only co-conspire to provide us with a truly bogus sense of security, deep within a strict network of archaic rules, regulations, and requirements that collectively make us nothing more, and sadly, a whole lot less, than just bitter judges, slaving out to procedural-based habits that make us only think we feel safe, while at our door - and generally, most every evening, somewhere or thereabouts out front in the bushes - people are, yes, starving and Jesus - Remember him? I thought so! - never tires of saying to us, 'Hey, what the rhymes with duck, give 'em something to eat already, will ya?!? In fact, better yet, why not start with the duck, and then bring forth whatever kind of cake you got going when needed, hmmmm?'"

In the direct hit and often times wonderfully wacky style that has quickly come to define the shock and awe approach of Pope Francis' preaching style - not counting, of course, his over reliance on card tricks, better than average imitations of both Bette Davis and Susan Hayward, and, never say die ability to always close with the bit about the one armed piccolo player - the Argentine Jesuit proceeded to do everything but give the finger to any and all on board priests for their continually perceived to be severe lack of overall enthusiasm for the church's supposed to be primary round the globe game plan.

Which, in turn, went a long way in teaching them an immediate lesson, or two, on preparing homilies that shouldn't - if done properly and without the typical go-to supply of Carrot Top-like props - ever stoop far enough to ever put the ever-so faithfully slippery into a sounder than usual soundproof sleep.

He also went out of his way - via connecting flights in both Dallas and Antwerp - to remind them that going to confession shouldn't be "torture." Although, if the guy who was in the booth before hand apparently felt the need to continually alert anyone in the vicinity that his ability to properly digest an otherwise over-extended recent feast of Hindu appetizers and Serbian styled sarmas sure ain't what it used to be, then by all means, play whatever torture card suits you best.

But in the meantime in between time, Pope Francis told his all in a the middle at the end of he line padres to "Get out of your sacristies, one leg at a time, and while you're at it, also get your super stylish DKNY men's shoes muddy, as you proceed to get even more involved in the everywhere and then some elsewhere lives of your somewhere out there/in here faithful. And, oh yeah, do anything - even tried and true showstopping selections from either 'Annie' and 'Cats' - in order to not be defeatist oriented sourpusses."

He also said - primarily to further prove his point, but also because a recent added-on stipulation negotiated into his contract thanks to Jay Z. now rewards him with a rather lucrative pay per word deal that's just too hard to resist - their greatest concern, other than, of course, whether or not they want to get in on the ground floor of next year's Oscar office pool, must above all be the poor, the sick, the needy, and ever-so marginalized, since it's they who are the perennial victims of an altogether unjust, globalized economic system that consistently values profit over the health and real world-based welfare of people.

Plus, they don't cover the cost of tattoos in any of their so far still existing healthcare plans, but that's another story.

He also said, once it was apparent that no one had the stones to stop him, the poor need the soft, tender, forever willing merciful love that the church can provide. And that if they want it in English they should press 2 and be prepared to wait for sometime during an awkward, yet still somewhat semi-sort of soothing rendition of all of Bela Bartok's String Quartets by the Bayonne Classical Playas, until someone in beautiful downtown Mumbai picks up and takes their call the rest of the way from there.

While again ruling out women's ordination - despite there truly being nothing ordinary about each and every woman of the world, whereas it's been well proven to be just the opposite, and thus, way too tragically typical with guys, especially the ones who keep on insisting that they're the best equipped to pull off this sort of heavy soul and inspiration heavy lifting thing - Pope Francis called for a greater, more inclusive role (with half the calories) for women in the making of decisions, establishing policy, and, when and if necessary, asking for directions (what do you mean "if"?) to anywhere within or outside the church. And, even more so, if the New Jersey Turnpike is at any point in time found to be necessary.

And to more than simply just illustrate this new found notion - Duh! - Pope Francis said that the all in and along for the ride of their lives faithful should never think that just because priests have always been in the saddle, so to speak, during their so far unchallenged historical run of presiding over the Mass, that they are more important than any of the so many other people who collectively make up way more than half of the church itself.

"The church, as the primary tool of evangelization, is greater than the sum total of it's organic hierarchical institutional parts. And thus, besides being a great place to play bingo, routinely sell off an assortment of parishioner supplied knickknacks, doodads, thingamajigs in order to raise funds for necessary expenditures apparently outside the well entrenched fortunes of the home office, and, oh yeah, as always, remain a don't ask do tell pipeline for any incoming confessions that generally don't get too dicey, unless that is, someone feels the need to go into greater than usual detail about their inappropriate sexual life, and/or, worse yet, suddenly feels the need to spill the beans about bumping off an otherwise obixious family of four just because it seemed like a good idea at the time, she - the church, that is, is first and fore (or five) most, nothing more and nothing less, than people tripping and falling on their pilgrim way straight to God," he wrote, some more, following a brief time out that found him doing what he could to catch up with last season's episodes of "Breaking Bad."

Pope Francis also cited Vatican II documents and party favors calling for a more anything but mainstream level of church authority and said that more often than not he too must rethink the papacy - to say nothing of his pre-season Super Bowl picks; alright he won't, so don't even ask him to - to achieve the goals of smooth spreading the best brand of faith now at popular prices.

And because he had some time to kill, and wasn't yet fluid enough with his go-to delivery to wind things up accordingly with a stand-by medley of Henny Youngman favorites, Pope Francis made a special note of reminding everyone that Pope John Paul II had previously asked for proposals to redo the way the primacy of the pope (and, if there's time, maybe the cabana at the getaway place somewhere along the Amalfi coast) and the way his day to day duties are to officially be carried out.

Which, in itself, is just one more indication that this still decidedly delicate and potentially soon to be even more revolutionary issue has a long way to go before being now and forever resolved without the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball.
Meanwhile, to show one and all that he means business, Pope Francis is currently overseeing a major overhaul of the Vatican's indoor tennis court, community multi-multimedia room, and walk-in warehouse closet/attic, but he said that he was "open to suggestions" about how to change the very nature of the papacy and its continuously suspect relation to the world's bishops, kings, rooks, & pawns conferences, to make the papacy reflect better what Jesus intended once the you know what load of bread and fish got delivered to the mount, and, oh yeah, what the church needs later on today once push comes to shove and someone of seldom observable importance decides to jump off that there bridge once they come to it.

Or, something like that, if not more so. Especially when otherwise disguised accordingly like, yeah, this:

"Excessive centralization, with or without taxation, rather than proving helpful, only further complicates not only the church's mild and lazy life, but her missionary outreach program of have to go there soon enoughs, and/or, if and when, sooner or later, more than likely need be's," said Pope Francis, right before he rejoined his usual rat pack entourage of Venezuelain cardinals for yet another spirited conference call concerning Miley Cyrus and what the you know what was up with her recent pussy friendly epic showcasing on last week's "American Music Awards."

Oh well, as we've all, more or less, noticed from time to time, the power of more than just Christ is quite the compeller once, of course, things get going in most, if not all, new and improved have to go there directions.

(In stereo, where available.)

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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