Written by Bob Muppet
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Thursday, 19 October 2006

image for Recycling error puts pensioner on Death Row
A Serial Recycling Nuisance

Even Britain's hardest criminals were shocked when details of the callous and cold bloodied crime carried out by a seemingly frail old widow, were released to the press.

Mrs Emily Lavender, an 80 year old Cockney pensioner was found guilty by an Old Bailey jury of contaminating her glass and tin recycling bin by placing into it an item of junk mail.

Under strict guidelines from the Blair government, the Judge expressed regret that due to the severe nature of her crime that he had no alternative but to issue the death sentence.

Mrs Lavender had to be supported by two court ushers when she collapsed as the sentence was read out, even though she expected the punishment due to the cold and calculated way that she had violated the draconian European Directive on the Handling of Recyclable Materials Act ( 2006 ).

So serious was the crime that the august body of The Howard League for Penal Reform, which normally supports murderers and rapists, refused to give her any comfort. A spokesperson explained that whilst the League wanted humane and rational treatment for those convicted of criminal acts, it could not condone the reckless and wanton behaviour carried out by Mrs Lavender.

A member of the defence team explained that on the day of the crime, the defendant was visiting her sick sister some 300 miles away in Morecambe, Lancashire, although the jury dismissed this evidence due to the fact that the letter contaminating the recycling box was addressed to her and therefore must have been put in the box by her.

A last minute plea for mercy was lodged by Prince Charles.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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