Written by John Peurach
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Friday, 25 October 2013

image for Saudi Arabia to U.S. - Take This Once Upon Another Time International Love Thing And Shove It!
Business As Unusual - The big, bad, Middle East boogaloo beat continues the new and not so improved old fashioned way.

Riyadh - Saudi Arabia's more or less intelligence chief cook & bottle washer, Prince Roscoe Vasco Duhgama III, has said that his totally clueless/archaically ineffective kingdom - along with, of course, any uncharted territory of nearby unclaimed sand, and/or, reasonably unaccounted for stretch of poorly maintained asphalt - will make an otherwise "abrupt shift" in already well established contentious relations with the United States as a form of semi-meek, yet not entirely unfocused, protest to its commonly perceived display of outright yawn inspiring concern over the Syrian war, its unilaterally unfocused overtures (and undertures, where available) to not only Iran, but suddenly overripe once upon a time teen tart sensation, Miley Cyrus, as well (but that's another story), and, even more importantly, its clearly misguided lingering inability to properly cease and desist Will Ferrell from making yet another entirely worthless (with a chance of high concept idiocy) film that only officially U.N. sanctioned village idiots with an ongoing observable IQ of -2.0 will thoroughly enjoy while either being carefully protected by a properly installed highly absorbent drop cloth, and/or, (in New Jersey only) treated to a well placed direct hit kick in the nuts, a source close to Saudi policy (and, surprisingly enough - or maybe not so, once you think about it - at least 2 of the 3 most well traveled primary orifices featured on at least one, or more, of the currently available Kardashians - again, another story) said on Tuesday.

Prince Duhgama III told 4 out of 5 not yet entirely awake European diplomats - no doubt still showing the telltale after effects of their recently completed all night royal palace sponsored jamboree/extravagonzo schmooze-a-thon of hotly contested Crazy Eights marathons that, for whatever reason, somehow descended dramatically into a seemingly endless series of entirely reckless generic brand cola enema orgies aggressively administered to them by qualified members of the palace kitchen staff, assorted members of the royal family not already well into the better late than never process of finally catching up with Season 2 of "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air" on Netflix, and, oh yeah, some guy from Yeman named Rudy who was called in during an after hours emergency to unplug the lobby washroom facilities, but wound up sticking around for the balance of the late evening/early morning once it was determined that both he and the camel he rode in on were having way too much fun participating in round after round of hedonistic karaoking with an otherwise plentiful supply of underage harlots shipped in from Turkey - that the U.S. had failed to act effectively, and, on several key occasions, left the toilet seat up, with regards to the Syrian crisis and also any ongoing Israeli-Palestinian inability to make nice-nice while comparison shopping on e-bay for out-of-town nations to do their bidding, was growing a noticeable governmental erection as far as Tehran and Vera Farmiga were concerned, and, more importantly, had systematically declined to publicly applaud, and/or, whistle and hoot accordingly in response to most if not all lackluster Saudi support for Bahrainonourparade during the certainly less than fun time (had by none) when it waylaid a typically hot to trot anti-government revolting development in 2011, the source said through an interpreter reportedly not wearing socks or underwear.

Needless to say, it was not immediately certain if Prince Duhgama III's monosyllabic statements to the merry, merry, most contrary had the full support of King Abdullah Moolaaboolaa, or, better yet, the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball.

"The growing pissed off-tested/crash & burn-approved shift away from the U.S. is a really, really, I mean, really, big one," a source up close and personal - but not that way (at least not all the time) - to Saudi policy said. "Saudi don't play that way, ya dig? As in, never has, never will. And, for sure, doesn't want to find itself - or, for that matter, anyone else in this neck of the no woods no way/no how, also otherwise equipped with an unsightly beard, while not wearing pants under the free-flowing ceremonial robe of their choice - any longer in a situation where it might be perceived to be (or not to be - hold the question) otherwise dependent on something this intentionally vague, decidedly moronic, or just plain down right silly, if not more so, once it becomes altogether obvious that those assuming a position of regional-based power are once again in just enough of a got's to go there odd ball mood to either awkwardly re-tell any number of "You Know You're A Dog Romancing Infidel" jokes or collectively insist that your unmarried sister pull their nearest available finger, so to speak (without the nicks and cuts of a blade).

In other words, the United States and Saudi Arabia have been so-so allies and periodic (especially during prom season) pen pals ever since the here to there (next stop, wherever where) Middle East kingdom was declared a "No Spin This Zone" in 1932, thereby providing capitol city/wide spot in the road Riyadh with a powerfully inconsistent overzealous military protector (not to be confused with a hopefully well fitted athletic protector, even though the same general vicinity seeds and stems have been know to come into play - no pun intended, but, sure, if you want to, be my guest) and the (so far as we know, or still claim to be) United States with a semi-sort of secure, yet, for the most part, repeatedly ever-so slippery quantity of oil supplies and oil supply accessories.

The prince's bluster-driven proclamation comes on the heels - yeah, that's what the all say, especially the fetish-driven dudes with one hand fapping during their night after night activity of restocking the shelves at your local out and about house of either Kenneth Cole and/or DKNY fancy footwear - of a somewhat shocking Saudi decision last Friday to not accept a previously thought to be agreeable two-year term of U.N. Security Council afterthought protocol as a singular ineffective protest of the "double martini standards" currently going on at both the United Nations and Charlie Sheen's man cave in beautiful downtown Burbank.

Prince Bandon the-Runn, who, in a previous once upon a lifetime, was the Saudi ambassador of okay but not great good will to Washington (and, on every other weekend, a middle school girl's field hockey referee in nearby Alexandria, Virginia) for 22 years, is seen by many as a foreign policy honk, especially on Iran, and - as an otherwise direct result of his well proven ability to enter every room with a confused look on his face and what looks like a sparrow's nest on his head - a 24/7 expert on all things related to Kramer on the legendary TV sitcom "Seinfeld".

Meanwhile, adding a certain amount of unavoidable sizzle to this international equation-styled taffy pull, of sorts, is the truth not dare fact that the Sunni Muslim kingdom's overheated rivalry with Shi'ite (outta luck) Iran, an ally of no sufficient means to Syria, has amplified all sorts of sectarian tensions of the rectal cavity kind all across the Middle East and, until further notice, strategic portions of wherever it is highly sought after irresponsible porn superstars Flower Tucci and HotKinkyJo are currently performing their respective back door sideshows for the shameless benefit of slouching room only audiences everywhere.

In still other words, according to those in the know, and/or not already hermetically sealed in a mayonnaise jar underneath Funk & Wagnalls porch since noon today, the super-sized 7th son of the late defense minister/clown prince, Prince Suntan, and a protégé of the late King "Bud-The" Ud-Fud, Prince Bandon the-Run fell from favor (and off the bar stool at a nearby Thank Allah It's Friday) with King Abdullah Moolaaboolaa after beating him unmercifully in a game of Yahtzee while dressed up like Pee Wee Herman back in 2005.

But, as luck, and an uncertain amount of casually dismissed unsportsmanlike behavior fate would have it, Prince Bandon the-Run was called in from his self-imposed exile of chambermaid servitude at a bed and breakfast just outside of Novi Sad, Serbia last year, and immediately handed a poorly worded "honey do" list which required him to essentially bring down President Bush'em al-Gassad - or, if all else fails, just bore him to tears by any means necessary, even if it ultimately required him to sing an assortment of award-winning Kander & Ebb show tunes like either Ethel Merman, Jim Nabors, or Lata Mangeshkar, all of which, by the way, he eventually did in total killer proof showstopping style - diplomats up to their you know what's in the Gulf now say, and, will, more often than not, point out, upon request, to anyone else unlucky enough to be improperly stationed between 6 to 8 inches away, and/or, just mutually glad to see 'em.

Consequently, over the past year and a half he has spearheaded Saudi efforts to bring arms, ear lobes and other unclaimed body parts to Syrian rebels without a cause (or pot to whiz in) while his distant multi-gendered cousin, Foreign Minister Prince Sawed'n Half al-Bundy, worked as many diplomatic windowless corridors as he could, without a prescription, while also performing admirably during many a night shift at all participating Red Lobsters.

"ALL SO FAR UNREALIZED OPTIONS ON TABLE (and, in some severe cases of not looking where one was stepping, scraped along the nearest curb after stepping into what's left of them)"

"Prince Ontherun informed diplomats that he plans to share crap, I mean, crop, interactive involvement with the U.S.," yet another unnamed source (with noticeable gastrointestinal distress) closing in even further on Saudi policy said, via sign language and a significant amount of decidedly festive Colorforms. "Primarily because this particular kettle of mercury laden fish is the only option those in the Saudi camp (and/or, Olympic sized swimming pool near the center of the main palace breakfast nook) currently possess after it was officially established that the U.S. dragged their heals, and, of course, voted inconsequentially during the most recently completed "Dancing With The Stars" telecasts while doing their swollen head best to repeatedly take absolutely zero action of an effective nature on Syria, Palestine, and certain members of the United States Congress as a result of any heretofore ongoing misadventures otherwise directly related to their grossly exaggerated inability to properly maintain their business ends while carelessly observing the inside the beltway open fly rule."

"Relations with the U.S. have been in evaporation mode for quite a while, as Saudi continually senses that the powers that be in the U.S. is and (except for wacky bit of late 1970s/early 1980s time) always has been, growing closer with Iran. Plus, the U.S. also did nothing at all to man up any sort of solid balls to the wall support for Saudi during the recent Bahrain up with oppressed people rising-a-thon."

Of course the squawk friendly source declined to unleash any more details pertaining to Bandon the-Run's murmur oriented whisperings with the diplomats, most of which took place during a few recent days following extensive squabble along sessions that were continuously fueled by around the clock Hawaiian Punch cocktails and imported bean cakes from Belarus.

But he suggested that any and all planned change in ties, belts, and what commonly could still be conveniently situated in the shoelace family between the energy superduperpower and its so far so not so good traditional U.S. ally would most definitely have wide-ranging truth or dare consequences, including on all salad bar arms purchases, and, of course, any additional oil & vinegar sales.

Saudi Arabia, the still apparently spinning world's biggest (and bad assiest) oil exporter, shrewdly replants a significant portion of its ultra-excessive profits directly back into U.S. sponsored activities and programs not already earmarked for tax write off status by every pre-assigned card carrier under the sore loser thumb of the usual suspect ragtag collection of one percenter-based shakedown artists currently in operation from coast to coast within what's (for now anyway) left, and/or, already been obnoxiously subsidized accordingly, of a once proud nation parked between the two most prominent Western Hemisphere sea to shining seas. Most of the Saudi's central bank's net foreign assets (not counting overcharges at numerous royal family owned discount burka repair centers) of $690 billion (and 45 cents) are believed to be piled extra high in either unmarked dollars or obsessively gathered together collectables, most of which have been identified as U.S. Treasury bonds, superhero comic books, baseball cards, and vintage Annette Funicello LP's.

"All thought to be options are on the table now, or scattered all over the floor wherever the children were last seen playing with them. So for sure, until further notice, there should most definitely be some sort of major impact that is sure to piss off someone in power," the Saudi source said while trying unsuccessfully to eat soup and ride a bicycle at the same time.

He also said (following a nap where he dreamed of nothing but a new and improved world of nothing but tea with jam and bread, shapely unshaved female legs, and rolling mountains of tapioca pudding) there would be no further hand to gland coordination (or resuscitation, for that matter) with the United States concerning the war in Syria, where the Saudis have not only armed, but, from the get-go, fiscally sponsored, via pennies on the dollar, a who's who (yeah, sure, if you say so) gang of rebel groups doing their best to bitch slap Syrian main pain in the gazaine Assad, all summer long, and, as of late, in a best two out of three MMA sanctioned steel cage matches to be showcased this upcoming weekend as a pay per view event on ESPN2.

The kingdom has repeatedly told the United States of its actions (and reactions to all known to be co-pay covered antibiotics under their current Cobra healthcare plan, including Sulfa) in Syria, and diplomats say it has pretended to ignore U.S. call-in requests not to provide any Homeland Security Top 10 groups with highly advanced weapon-driven gadgetry which the West remains clearly afraid could trip and fall into the hands (or carefully concealed hip pockets) of al Qaeda-aligned groups around the globe being routinely whipped into a frothy frenzy by fanatical porn prone guys sporting a 10AM shadow.

Saudi anger got hot and heavy after the U.S. said "Okay, but you first," and then, "Thanks, but no thanks," to involving themselves with any military strikes (and balls) as pre-calculated responses to a poison gas attack (with a drop of Retsin, so don't blame the dog) in Damascus this past August before Assad agreed to fork over his chemical arsenal, vast collection of Andy Warhol cookie jars, and - according to those that know - a thoroughly impressive supply of "Golden Girls" memorabilia.

Saudi Arabia is also noticeably worried about signs of a tentative love fest between Washington and Tehran. All of which is indeed something all those with big boy pants status in Riyadh are presently afraid might bring about a "grand buy one get almost but not quite two bargain basement free" arrangement, of sorts, with the dreaded Iranian nuclear program that, in turn - or, once the meltdown games begin for real, whichever happens first - would leave it at an otherwise obvious disadvantage. And, no doubt, quickly turn each and every day into way, way more than just a total bad - with the accent on Eeeee! Gadd! - day.

UNITED NATIONS PARALYSED (and/or, just totally in love with sitting around doing nothing)
The U.N. Inferiority Security Council has been paralyzed from the nose down over and above the 31 & 1/2-month-old Syria conflict of disinterest, with permanently irritating members Russia and China feeling the continuous need to block all measures to condemn Assad, while still making totally unsubstantiated jokes on his behalf, including the one the ends with, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"

Saudi Arabia currently supports Assad's more or less (accent on more) Sunni rebel rousing non-faux foes. The Syrian leader, whose expertly well tailored (despite an otherwise semi-heroic insistence on requiring cuffs on all Bermuda shorts worn after Slave Labor Day) Alawite sect rose out a little known standing room only cell within not your father's Shi'ite Islam, has support (the new old fashioned way) from Iran and the armed Lebanese Shi'ite (Outta Even More Luck) movement Hezbollahpoppin. Naturally, the Syrian leader does all he can - including thought to be extinct bird calls - to denounces these poorly groomed insurgents as all pro al Qaeda-linked groups backed by Sunni-ruled states of more confusion than you can shake a goat at and still have hopes of being this year's Homecoming Queen.

In Bahrainonourparade, the Indian Summer home of the U.S. Fifth of Scotch Fleet, a slow simmering to a boil pro-democracy revolting development by its Shi'ite majority of anything but levelheaded, knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing followers has immediately jumpstarted a series of calls by plenty of similar types in Washington for U.S. ships to high tail it elsewhere as soon as possible.

Western policymakers/guys and gals who were the same pain in the you know what during their high school years, are convinced that Bahrainonourparade's (so far uncontested) hosting of a U.S. naval base still makes it a major ally-oriented international pal in keeping open the sometimes wiggly Strait of Hormuz, conduit for 40 percent of the world's soon to be dangerously sea-borne oil exports.

Many of the ongoing up for no discussion U.S. economic interests in Saudi Arabia involve cushy government contracts in defense, other high security sectors, overly complicated restrictive health care, closed-minded education, misinformation technology and unfocused reconstruction.

But American businessmen - otherwise still enjoying a free lunch, along with a variety of other "considerations", in Riyadh, who did not want to be named (or identified in a police lineup) because of not only the sensitivity of their wallets, but the ultra-naughty boy fact that all of them seriously thought a girl sent in to entertain then was over 21 - said they did not believe the political lumps in the U.S.-Saudi relationship would seriously affect their rather lucrative business interests all that much, if at all.

"The big contracts are, sure, what can I tell ya, mostly government-driven. But, still, I don't see all that much political content in who actually gets the contracts, if you know what I mean. Okay, so don't blame me," one - I'm gussing, overweight middle-aged white guy - said, before he headed back to the mini bar for some more pretzels and another Heineken.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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