Written by Moe Nightwalker
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Tuesday, 13 August 2013

image for Oprah Buys Every Swiss Army Knife For Sale in Zurich To Make A Point

Oprah Winfrey wants everyone in Switzerland to know she can buy stuff. Following an embarrassing and possibly racist incident at an exclusive handbag boutique, the Queen of Talk has decided to buy every Swiss Army knife for sale in the city of Zurich.

According to Oprah, "I was mad at that woman for not showing me the $40,000 handbag. I mean, come on. What girl doesn't buy herself a little present when on vacation? So I didn't make a scene. I just went back to my presidential suite at the hotel, put on my favorite t-shirt, and then ordered the left side of the room service menu. Then I started thinking about what to do with the cash I had converted at the airport."

Oprah briefly considered buying Lake Zurich, closing the city, and making it her own private vacation spot. She also thought about buying the Swiss National Bank. She finally decided on buying every Swiss Army knife in the city. It was another "Aha Moment".

Oprah made one phone call to her BFF Gayle, who set the whole operation in motion. Teams of purchasers were dispatched to acquire knives of every size and shape. Within 12 hours, every store window and display case was bare.

Zurich city tourism officials are expecting a rough month, as suppliers strain to refill the retail outlets. "Fab U Lous!", said Oprah. "Now show me that damn handbag already."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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