Written by kettledragon
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Topics: british

Monday, 2 October 2006

image for Details Emerge in British Terror Case
We are really competent people

A 9-year-old terror suspect and his accomplice have been arrested by forty armed "Splat" officers, in connection with what is to be believed, the biggest ever terror plot to blow up balloons in a local "Balloons R Us multi-corp tm" depot in the UK.

The unemployed 9-Year-old boy confessed when questioned under new terror laws. The boy said, "I thought waterboarding was supposed to be fun" and "Can I see my mummy now".

The ominous statement, "Can I see my mummy now" is thought to be a secret terror code for "As our balloons are blown up, all of your balloons will be blown up, as you blow them up, they will all be blown up".

His mother said of the arrest: "At least he can't be tortured because we have Geneva Convention, you know".

Plodlandyard said, "When we raided his bedroom without a warrant, we found a quantity of materials for blowing up balloons, also foreign currency and colouring books showing pictures of a "secret terror tent" and instructions on how to set up a "tent of terror" (made from soft household furnishings) in your own back garden".

Also arrested was a 6-year-old accomplice called "Jennifer from No 16," connected to the atrocity by DNA recovered from a "suspected" drug stash found in a tube of chocolate smarties.

Police forensic experts said "We are undertaking vigorous tests on the brightly coloured substances" and "they taste jolly nice too".
In addition: The substance being tested was also said to contain "dangerous" E numbers which can make you very hyperactive if you know what I mean ;0

Also recovered were a quantity of piggybanks, an ominous martyrdom video (Toy Story) and suspicious "memory-card-data" from a games console.

Although the two suspects do not have passports, British officials said that "the two went abroad on holiday last year with their parents, and fear that other unknown "terrorist" cells may, or may not, exist".

It is unknown how the two (who are receiving benefits) came to be in possession of such a large amount of: cash, (£4.65p in a piggy bank) hard drugs, child porn and a sinister 12 pesetas found by MI5.

The police were alerted when school officials found "A trove of evidence" in "the boys" locker at his school, including: empty drink containers, woolly mittens, discarded sweet wrappers and leaking batteries from a toy camera, that could be used as a detonator to cause, "mass murder on an unimaginable scale".

An unknown spokes-person for the under funded school said: "It is just as well we use the Government sanctioned "Veristool tm" fingerprint and DNA, profiling for toddlers, and under-tens, or there could have been, "mass murder on an unimaginable scale".

An unknown spokes-person for "Balloons R Us multi corp tm" said, "mass murder on an unimaginable scale" has been averted, but we cannot allow any more children in our shops unless, we employ more armed security guards".

"Five times a night" Toby Bliar, who is on a three-month "fact-finding" tour of the Arizona said: "mass murder on a blah, blah, blah, blah, can I pose for a photo"?

The deputy PM, Dave "Call me Stewart" Maccaroon, could not be contacted as he is on an Antarctic "fact-finding" tour for traumatised-penguins.

The case will by heard on the 11 September 2096.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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