Brussels - The Holidays and Holy Days Panel of the European Union has canceled Easter this year due to a lack of funding.
"The Almighty, and I do use that name with a high degree of bitterness, refuses to perform a Resurrection this year," said Reginald Gleason, who heads the EU's holiday unit.
"He wants us to pay Him for the thousands of times He has resurrected Himself in the past, which as everyone knows is not a line item in the EU budget."
The Lord's production company, Pearly Gates Media, is demanding 10 million per previous Resurrection rendered. Give or take 200 decades, and that adds up to more than 20 billion.
"God can no longer afford to perform miracles without the appropriate compensation," a Pearly Gates spokesperson announced. "He feels that his efforts are not appreciated unless He attaches a monetary value to them."
The EU holiday division attempted to sign David Blaine to perform his Million Volts illusion as a replacement for the Resurrection. That trick climaxes with the magician either being electrocuted or shooting live electrical sparks from his nipples. He lets the audience decide which to maximize the trick's dramatic impact.
Blaine was willing to charge up the electrical routine for Easter. But the illusionist is under a restraining order requested by his insurance company that prohibits him from coming within 50 feet of a live outlet.
Some EU ministers were hopeful that the Easter Bunny would be able to bail out its signature holiday.
"He makes eggs appear in unlikely places and transforms himself into pure milk chocolate," Gleason pointed out. "And the last time I looked, David Copperfield has yet to poop a single jellybean."
But in trying to contact the bunny, EU ministers discovered a tragedy that will put a further damper on the Easter season. Apparently the magical rabbit was accidentally killed in a hunting accident last week.
Both Elmer Fudd and Dick Cheney reportedly have airtight alibis. But the National Rifle Association has registered to have Rabbit Stifado on its holiday menu this year.