Written by Paul Blake
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Topics: Italy, Michelangelo

Sunday, 25 November 2012

image for Italians Vote to Give "David" A Bigger Salami
Italians go to poles to beef up David.

Florence, Italy - Italians go to the poles (no pun intended) to vote for a new leader and members of parliament on Monday. Like in America, there are other issues up for public contemplation on the ballot as well, such as austerity measures, pension reform and most importantly, a statue's wiener.

It seems a growing number of Italians, mostly men, feel that the statue's genitalia is somewhat embarrassing and they want the statue to be enhanced.

"Its' a not right!" Exclaimed the overly excitable Guieseppi Bologna, founder of the movement to fix the besmirched ego of all Italian men. "It a-look a-like he just a-coming from a very cold swim in da ocean. Like he swam all the way from England." Bologna argued.

Michelangelo's masterpiece was first unveiled in 1504 and has become one of the must see attractions in all of Italy. Thousands of tourists from around the world come to see the statue each day, many taking comical pictures that make them look as if they are holding David's tiny wee-wee. Others pretend to cover his jiggly bits up with a tiny leaf.

Mr. Bologna spends most of his free time at the statue, especially since his restraining order has been lifted, telling the crowds that the statue is not a very good indication of a real Italian man. He then goes on to explain, mostly to the female visitors mind you, that if Michelangelo had used himself for his study, David would have a wiener that hung down to mid-thigh.

"Many of the woman wants to slap-a-my-face, some do!... but some of the woman I meet, mostly the English ones, want to know more on the subject over a nice bottle of Chianti and a walk along the river." Says a cocky Bologna.

Bologna has worked tirelessly to finally convince the Italian Parliament to let the Italian people decide what to do with the statue. If the measure goes through, then a master in marble will surgically slice off David's pre-pubescent member and replace it with one that his fellow countrymen can be more proud of.

"It all comes down to what to do with the baby penis, once it is removed." Said Italy's Minister of Culture, Alberto Linguini. "We have to be very careful to still honor the legacy of a true Italian master and one of Italy's most accomplished citizens. After all, would we paint over a little bit of the Sistine Chapel if we didn't like like?"

Leave it to our fiery activist, Guiseppi Bologna, to find the perfect solution to this minor complication too. His suggestion; "I think we should put it on a pedestal, right next to David and his new tree-trunk Italian penis." Bologna replies. "According to a lot of the women I walk along the river with, we can call it, "Michelangelo's; A study of an Englishman's penis.""

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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