"I think massaging women is extremely rewarding and often totally proper", says former US President Bill Clinton in his signature southern drawl. "I have been trying to get my friend and extended brother George, President Bush that is, to touch more women."
This statement from Clinton comes in support of US President George Bush during his most recent firestorm of controversy on the world stage. This controversy is over an impromptu massage given to German Chancellor Angela Merkel at the G8 economic summit.
This new threat to Bush and America's credibility is being reported extensively in the old media and in various vehemently and hopefully venomously anti-Bush internet dairies or "Blogs" around the globe.
At the center of the controversy is a video showing Bush walk up behind Merkel, who is sitting at a table engaged in a world leader-type discussion to end world death, and begins a surprise massage of her shoulders. Merkel is at first shocked but then sees it is Bush and grins playfully as he walks away.
This all seems innocent enough but anti-Bush forces are crying foul. In comments typical of their reaction, a well regarded blogger known only as:
hategeorgebushbecauseheisnotclintonordemocrat.dot, wrote the following:
"George Bush is a sex maniac! He is dumb and stupid. He touched the Leadership of Germany and she is a girl! He is dumb. He has no regard for poor people who are German and smart girls. If he touched me like that, I would sue him because boys get sued for touching girls! Touching is not cool ever! Oh yeah, and I think Bush was drunk, arrogant, hung-over and ragged looking when he did it. And he is a cowboy frat rat, too."
What appears to be a lesson learned in "get physical" politics from new family friend Bill Clinton might have another, much different reason. Sources close the scene claim Merkel suffers from chronic flatulence and Bush was trying to help her conceal an embarrassing gastric accident from the eyes of a news-hungry world.
"Chancellor Merkel is an extensive consumer of cabbage products. She enjoys a progressive version of Sauerkraut where shredded red cabbage is pressure cooked with cider vinegar, apples and raisins. The resulting concoction, when eaten with bratwurst, beer and cherry cobbler is hard on the stomach." Says Merkel aide Katchen Gerfurzt.
According to Russian media sources, those who actually filmed the controversial contact, Merkel seemed to shift uneasily in her chair just before Bush touched her.
"She was passing gas for sure. She was oddly shifting around in her chair and trying to make everything seem normal but it just went wrong. Bush saw it and stepped forward close to her as if to say, didn't stink' or she didn't do it'. He seemed quite the gentleman for helping her out."
In the end, everyone will see exactly what they want to see. If Bush is your perfect villain, you will see sexual harassment, Ugly Americanism and further proof of incompetence. But if Bush is not your Satan, you will simply see one human helping another human who became overwhelmed by one of the dangers of eating cabbage.