Written by Will Rogers
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Friday, 12 May 2006

image for New Video Surfaces of Terror Training Camp
Al Zarqawi

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced today the discovery of a new Al Qaeda video with a message believed to be from Osama Bin Laden. The clip--over ten minutes in length--originally surfaced on an obscure radical Islamist website. Judging from its content, with threats particularly directed at the the American public and the current administration in Washington, it was clearly intended for public dissemination.

"What we have here is a rare look inside the workings of a terrorist training camp," Rumsfeld announced at a press conference outside the Pentagon. Included in the video are scenes of what appear to be battle-weary geurillas crawling out from under their spiderholes and engaging in drills. One figure, possibly Al Zarqawi, is seen acting as the group's leader conducting the exercises.

Most alarming, however, is the audio message that comes in the middle of the tape. Here a low, deep voice can be heard speaking in verse: Darkness falls across the land / The midnight hour is close at hand / Creatures crawl in search of blood / To terrorize y'all's neighborhood.

"Although we have not received official confirmation from the CIA as of yet," Rumsfeld asserted, "unnamed sources within the agency have confided in me that this is definitely Bin Laden." When pressed for specific details, the Defense Secretary retorted: "It has the 'ring' of Bin Laden's voice."

"If you listen carefully, there is no denying that Bin Laden is warning of an impending nuclear attack on US soil--at the very least, a 'dirty bomb'." Rumsfeld cited the following words as evidence of an attack with radioactive material: The foulest stench is in the air / The funk of forty thousand years / And grizzly ghouls from every tomb / Are closing in to seal your doom.

Lawmakers on both sides of the aisle are expressing concern over the tape. "It wouldn't take much for a Nuclear Iran to supply the needed materials to Al Qaeda operatives," warned Senator Lieberman, "We must remember that as members of Congress our number one concern is to protect Israe--er, the American people." The CIA has yet to comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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