New York, NY-- There's great news tonight about the nuclear accident in Fukushima Japan. Government scientists are reporting that nuclear radiation from the meltdowns has now entered into the bodies of every person on the planet. The average person now has 10 pounds of radioactive isotopes pulsing away inside them. Government scientists are just delighted with the news!
The meltdowns began last year after a horrific tsunami hit Japan. Four nuclear reactors went into meltdown, but no one seemed to care. Everyone was too busy watching Chaz Bono on 'Dancing With The Stars' to notice.
Government scientists say almost 70 billions pounds of extremely radioactive fuel rods caught on fire and went up in smoke. The smoke has circled the globe many times since last year, and the good news is that every human being is now highly radioactive.
Doctors are especially pleased about the radioactive contamination of the globe.
"We used to send our patients for an x-ray, but we don't need to anymore." said Dr. Groucho Quack. "Now, we can just turn out the lights because their bones glow in the dark. It's very convenient!" he raved.
Government scientist are very happy about people glowing in the dark. They think it will cut down on carbon-dioxide emissions, and stop global warming.
"We've saved so much on our electric bill!" said Loretta Ebonics, a secretary. "My family glows in the dark, so we don't need to turn on the lights at night. Thanks a lot Japan!" she said with delight.
Government scientists say there is a small downside to all the good news--everybody in the world should die by the end of the year.
"Well, that's good news also!" laughed Ms. Ebonics. "I won't have to do my taxes!"