Written by Michael Balton
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Tuesday, 24 January 2012

image for New Greek Threat: More Credit for Us Or No More Gyros for You
Cylinder of meat was unearthed beneath this logo for an ancient Greek diner.

Athens -- Facing a debt burden that could enslave its citizens for decades to come, Greece has gone on the offensive, declaring it will halt the production of gyros worldwide if it's not given a larger line of credit.

"Go ahead and laugh, but I can assure you your local Greek diner or deli has at most a four-day supply of Gyro ingredients," said Mikos Demetrius, Greece's Minister of Sandwich Provisions. "Once that's gone, you will no longer taste the deliciousness of the Gyro unless more credit is served up to Greece."

At issue is the cylinder of meat that is spun roasted and sliced to become the signature ingredient of a Gyro.

Some say it is a mixture of minced lamb and beef. Others say its phallic shape is an obscenity. But Mr. Demetrius contends the meat comes directly from the giant gyrus, a distant cousin of the giraffe, which reportedly can be found only in the Greek highlands.

"We are asking the world's financial powers to be like giraffes, to look above and beyond this little debt debate and see the big picture," the Greek minister said. "Credit has its limits, but Gyros are forever."

In a related development, the futures markets for white yogurt sauce were thrown into chaos as the result of the threat of a Gyro ban. Initially, the price went up to over $100 a barrel. Then it plummeted to $2.50, when traders realized that without the gyrus there is no Gyro, and therefore no need for yogurt sauce.

The McDonald's Corporation, meanwhile, recently began test marketing a new sandwich called the McLambwich. However, the product was pulled from the menu after several diners began coughing up wool balls.

Mr. Demetrius was philosophical about entire situation: "Greece has gone from being the cradle of democracy to becoming the world's number one party nation. It is only fitting that a sandwich will save us. Do you want hot sauce on yours?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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