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Tuesday, 3 January 2012

image for The Village of Stoke Pogues obliterated as priest commits suicide

It was indeed a sad day for inhabitants of the parochial village of 'Stoke Pogues' as the local vicar Reverend Arthur Basingston committed suicide - inadvertently eradicating the local demographic.

In the ultimate act of self-destruction, he strapped himself to a nuclear warhead and detonated unleashing a mushroom cloud of destruction on the rural parish.

The explosion was felt for miles far exceeding the narrow confines of the village - yet they bore the brunt of its devastation. A population of some 4,000 residents have been decimated.

It was on the early hours of Monday morning that a somewhat aberrant and delirious priest ambushed a munitions truck passing through the village.

Sergeant Benton described a deranged man of the cloth, wearing a collarino and neckband; emerge from the fog before being viciously assaulted.

Basington proceeded to seize control of a dangerous 12-kiloton warhead. He left a suicide note at his home simply reading, "all I ever wanted was to help others, and I failed in my duty to god".

As a priest, Basington was respected throughout the town as a pillar of the local community. His daily sermons at the St Giles Church were repudiated by all and sundry. He was thought a kind-hearted compassionate soul who brought a smile to all he knew; well known for organizing local charitable events such as jumble sales and sack races.

Our correspondent was brave enough to enter the apocalyptic remains of a once proud village now deemed the 'forbidden zone'. He had the pleasure of interviewing the somewhat disoriented surviving pensioner Mrs Creswell who uttered "he was a fine priest, always had time for everyone in the local community, he'll be sorely missed".

Local ostler Dave Robertson was equally enamoured: "he was good to us, he must have been really unhappy to throw his life away like this - what a senseless waste". Before the untimely demise of the local councillor Steve Brigley he was purported to have stated without reserve: "he was an asset to our community".

There has been much controversial debate about the failure of local mental health professionals to take action sooner. It has come to light that for decades he'd felt depressed about his self-percieved abject failure in helping the local community. His diaries, which miraculously survived the nuclear assault, painted a very bleak picture. Stoke psychiatrist Wendy Richards, who'd had the opportunity to review his personal records stated "he was undoubtedly a humanitarian, but we had no idea his life had become so unbearable".

These latest developments have led to an inquiry into the methods and practices of health care centres throughout the UK and all our hearts go out to our beloved priest who needlessly gave his life. God Bless!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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