Written by Kingston Chris
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Topics: Iran, Science

Tuesday, 7 February 2006

image for Iranian Nuclear Enrichment Balances the Chi of Middle East
Feng Shui: even Prince is a fan

Tehran, Iran - Sanctions? What sanctions? Yes, things are looking up in the cutthroat world of extreme Feng Shui. Laughing in the petulant face of Armageddon, Iranian citizens have turned to the ancient and noble science of random furniture movement in order to repair the cosmic imbalance surrounding Tehran's decision to unseal nuclear facilities and recommence enrichment of dirty uranium.

While the UN tries to figure out exactly what in the name of all that's holy to do about this supposed weapons programme baloney, ordinary Iranians from Mashad to Shiraz are turning to the tried and untrustworthy New Age techniques of the East in an effort to improve their public image and restore balance to the Middle East. Slogans such as "never place a red sofa in a wealth area" and "if you have a TV set in your bedroom then you are blatantly a dick" are mantras now heard in bazaars up and down the country. More disturbingly, a pilot of Changing Rooms (featuring Carol Smilie in a burkha) has just been commissioned by Islamic Republic of Iran Broadcasting (IRIB) network.

Feng Shui gurus in the UK are not surprised by this latest development. Consultant Juliana Sheldrake is an expert in the field and has readjusted the pillows of extremists for over 20 years. According to Sheldrake, "when faced with abject poverty, simply placing a small water feature in the corner of your living space can increase the chances of future prosperity by 30%. Alternatively, moving your coffee table to face east on a Saturday can torture the souls of approximately 600 infidels." She should know. She's got a black belt in Geopathic Stress Eradication for Pete's sake!

But is this a case of furniture shift or shaft for the Iranians? President Ahmadinejad has publicly criticised attempts to "free the Chi" in a serious of broadcasts designed to undermine efforts of so-called consultants to cash in on Iran's latest craze. The broadcasts have had little impact, however, and toy stores report that Lead Crystal Spheres are swiftly overtaking Fatwa Barbie as the season's must-have children's toy.

What does it all mean? Well, when it comes to unshakeable belief in disprovable theories and hokey philosophy, the people of Iran are just as stupid as the rest of us.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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