Written by misha marinsky
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Sunday, 1 January 2006

image for Kate Burton: "I'm Clinically Insane"
Ms. Burton With Her Fiancee

JERUSALEM - At a press conference here today, Kate Burton opened with a one sentence statement, echoing a California actor turned governor: "I'll be back." Wearing a new keffiyeh, which was a gift from her kidnappers, and fashionably dressed in an orange jumpsuit, she then announced that she was going to establish a Kibbutz in Gaza, "just like the one in Israel I had lived on four years ago."

She had been kidnapped by a previously unknown group, the We're Crazier Than You Martyrs Sometimes Brigade.

Speaking from London, Miss Burton's Austrian psychiatrist, Dr. Sigmund Freud said, "I do not know if she is a confirmed masochist, just plain naïve, or just plain stupid. Whichever of the three possibilities, or a combination of several conditions, this is one of the most fascinating cases I have ever had. Rather than writing a chapter about her case, I have decided to write an entire book. The amount of material available to work with is simply astounding."

The British ambassador to Israel asked Dr. Freud to have Miss Burton committed involuntarily, but Dr. Freud refused saying, "I want to see where this progresses on its own."

Sian Keene, a friend of Burton's said: "It is typical of Kate that she would go back. She is warm, stubborn, and delusional. Kate once told me that she found the shape of an AK 47 banana clip to be ‘phallic'."

Miss Burton made light of her parents separate kidnapping and ordeal. "In England tourists go to Buckingham Palace to see the changing of the guard, and take a tour of honored historic British sites. It's similar in Gaza. Tourists there go to see the changing of the shadow groups, and take a tour of various safe houses. My parents were never in any danger, because this was all arranged in advance by the Palestinian Authority's Tourist Bureau. They got to see an authentic, historic Ottoman safe house. They will be able to talk about this Christmas for years."

When it was pointed out to Miss Burton that the Ottoman Empire ended at the beginning of the twentieth century, she replied, "Oh." She then blamed the whole misunderstanding on the Israelis.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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