Within the timespan of just one week, New York City was hit by not just an earthquake but also a hurricane.
Coincidence? Well, no, not according to the Reverend Orville Dick.
This often extreme, always controversial, ex-Florida resident wholeheartedly believes that these two 'natural disasters' are actually the opening shots in a new war. Dick told his congregation, "Just as the misunderstood George W. was ultimately compelled to use force in order to bring democracy to the Middle East, so our Lord God has decided the time for talking is over. For too long mankind has eaten of the forbidden fruit, and now the Almighty is taking back his Apple."
Pausing only to accept donations, Dick went on to claim that New York's legalising of same sex marriage was the straw that broke the camel's back. "Michelle Bachmann has hinted that God is angry at America's deficit," he practically foamed, "but I can promise you it goes deeper than that. About six inches deeper!
God is sick of the sinners ignoring his everlasting love and understanding, so now he will destroy them. Just look at the Japanese, who have denied His benevolence for centuries. They've had earthquakes, tsunamis AND a giant lizard."
When it was pointed out to the Reverend that the lizard he referred to was most likely Godzilla, he replied angrily, "Well, isn't that typical? I've been telling heathens for years that so-called dinosaurs are a myth, and the only arguments they can come up with are heaps of bones. But I show them videoed proof of God's vengeance tearing Tokyo to pieces, and I'm the one making it up."
Before climbing into his stretch limo, Reverend Dick promised protection for his followers who actually lived in New York. "As soon as I get back to my mansion," he pledged, "I shall ask our Lord to spare each and every one of them...who Paypal's me $20 by next Friday."