Written by Nash D. Plott
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Tuesday, 30 August 2011

The president of the United States wrote a Fatwah against the INS following the detention and threatened deportation of nine close personal relatives.

The Obama clan's trouble with immigration authorities began with Zeituni Onyango, Obama's paternal aunt, who was found to be an illegal immigrant living in public housing in South Boston. This was followed soon after by the arrest of Obama Onyango, brother to Zeituni and uncle to the president, who was arraigned on drunk driving charges outside the Chicken Bone saloon. A raid on the saloon discovered several more members of the Obama family including seven illegal Kenyans and one illegal Senegalese prostitute. The Senegalese woman claimed a relationship to the president but later amended her statement to read a relationship WITH the president, citing language difficulties as the reason for the confusion. From her detailed descriptions of what appears to be the Lincoln bedroom it is presently believed that the president whom the woman was referring to was not in fact Barack Obama, but former president Bill Clinton.

The arrest of the Obama clan was shortly followed by a Fatwah from the Oval Office. The document, written in Arabic and postmarked from Martha's Vineyard, claims that the oval office will "throw the INS infidel into a crematorium of their own making. Jackals shall consume their entrails as they are righteously slaughtered for their cowardice". Asked to comment on the Fatwah, Press Secretary Matt Chandler commented that it would be "unwise" to treat the document literally, stating that "sometimes family and peer pressure requires one to abide by certain technical formalities, although this does not necessarily translate into concrete action or personal obligation".

In a statement to the press, Homeland Security secretary Janet Napolitano dismissed the possibility that she or anyone else involved in the detention of the Obama clan might be in personal danger. "The system is working exactly as it is supposed to", she stated. "Since the president is not in fact a whole muslim the Fatwah carries only a symbolic meaning, and will be rescinded as soon as Obama's extended family is legalized and properly supported by the state". Asked when such an event might occur, Napolitano stated "It is not my policy to interfere with due process, but seeing how the individuals have all produced pristine, consecutively numbered Hawaiian birth certificates I see no reason why the problem cannot be resolved expeditiously".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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