Written by Neil Levine
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Tuesday, 13 December 2005

image for Hillary Clinton Has Plans For The Big Guy
Rocking The Boat

Skull Island, South of Treasure Island and to the Right of Nevah, Nevah Land---Hillary Clinton has emerged from the proverbial relationship depths to make it clear on The Ellen DeGeneres Talk Show and other venues of convenience that she has no problem encouraging lesbians, playboys, gigolos and rapscallions to shake their booties and vote for her. "They're my kind of folk," she says.


"To each their own," she blithely announces. "Just one man is no longer necessary for a relationship. My groupies can do better than that. What's a little freedom between friends. There is no limit to endless possibilities. Why just look at Bill and me. Have you ever seen a happier man or a more liberated couple? Why, we have so much history and such big moments in common that it's not funny. After all, we're the total couple."


"Pick a love life. Choose a lifestyle. Be your own boss. Live wild and free. That's what I believe in. Nothing less will do. And I'm here to help you find your dream."


"Men annoy you? Don't want to be bothered by the opposite of sex? Have a tough, bossy wife? Think of an alternative lifestyle. I'm here to help you. With the sky as the limit and the moon is the merrier way to go. Why let little slip ups annoy you."


"Men are such simpletons anyway. Think of poor King Kong panting after another shapely dressed blond. Now that's my kind of story. Big strong guy hung up on a smart woman who turns his mind to mushy mush. What he really needs is the freedom to avoid simple relationship hangups and the ability to recognize that no matter how big and strong you are a smart woman can twist and turn things to her advantage. Let him get out and see the town. Then set his goals and I'll be sure to distort things to my advantage. Don't even question my motives!"


"So he's big strong and, oh, so helpless in my never ending grasp. When it comes to patronage I leave no scheme unchurned. I just love getting the Big guy angry by pulling his chains with fast ones. That way I can offer anger management and skim favors off the top. How else can a poor girl offer something in the way of favors for nothing."


"You just have to know who to put the squeeze on. That's what politics is all about."


"Ain't politics just a grand entertaining media scheme!!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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