Written by Lucas M
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Sunday, 24 July 2011

image for Customer Thinks Her Opinion Matters, Company In Shock
Valued Customer Sarah Jenkins

DES MOINES, Iowa - Sears manager Jason Baker was taken to a local hospital after suffering from a severe case of apathy. The incident occurred when customer Sarah Jenkins, 37, approached Jason to tell him she had been a loyal customer for years and that the service she had received that day made her wonder if Sears even cared about its customers.

Jason rhetorically asked the customer what he could do to rectify the perceived wrong. "That's when the woman lifted one of her sweaty, entitled fingers and pointed at an expired coupon from last weeks flyer. She wheezed that if the company did not honor their agreement she would never come back. The last thing I remember is her talking about her mentally challenged child's diabetes and some paraplegic grandmother in an iron lung ... It was too much for me to care about. I couldn't handle all that labored self-importance. Everything went black."

Though Sears' policy is one of "The Customer Is Always Right," it should be noted that no one who ends up at a Sears is ever right.

Lou D'Ambrosio, CEO of Sears, released an official statement stating, "This is a clear case of a customer thinking they are relevant in some context. We have an unspoken understanding with our clientele. They pretend like they matter and we pretend like we care. Beyond that, if someone get's upset, it's not our fault the world will go on without them and their prosaic life. If you really want people to acknowledge your boring existence, join a message-board."

The position Sears has taken towards their customers shouldn't surprise anyone, as the company has recently discussed the idea of replacing their customer service desk with large mirrors. The hope is that customers who have complaints will realize that genuine critique and reflection must start from within and only you can truly help yourself.

Having the mirrors installed came at the suggestion of the existential consulting firm Kierkegaard and Associates, who were the ones responsible for Wal Mart's addition of elderly greeters. The elderly greeters are one way of showing the customer that life is short, and one should enjoy savings while they can.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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