Written by defamationstation
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Topics: Hell, Jack Kevorkian

Saturday, 4 June 2011

image for 'Dr. Death' Jack Kevorkian Kills Satan Hours After Arriving In Hell

They say that it is always nice to bring a gift to your host when someone invites you to their home. But for Dr. Jack Kevorkian -- referred to in the press as "Dr. Def" as much for his history with assisted suicide as for spittin' cool rhymes-- the gift that his new landlord, Satan, received was death.

Indeed, within moments after Kevorkian died and was escorted via the River Styx into Hades, he located the Morningstar, introduced himself, and then struck Satan in the head with a golf club that was displayed in a trophy case near the Gates of Hell, killing him.

"I had read that Satan lived in a world full of torment and pain," said Kevorkian, a convicted murderer who claims to have assisted with more than 130 suicides. "I wanted to bring him the satisfying relief that death would bring him, so I brained him with a golf club that was blessed by a Catholic priest."

Satan fell to the ground, mortally wounded, only to appear, completely restored moments later.

"Killing Satan didn't really do anything to him. He's like on an infinite loop," said Kevorkian. "Didn't, uh... Didn't think that one through."

"I remember drifting toward a light, through a dark tunnel, and then seeing angels, and hearing harp music," said Satan. "And... Nah, nothing happened. I'm just f--king with you. Hey, wanna watch me jam a 1988 Yugo GV Plus Cabriolet* into Kevorkian's urethra?"


* The first of four automobiles to be damned to Hell by God, the 1988 Yugo GV Plus Cabriolet was a convertible version of the Yugoslavian Zastava Koral, sold in the United States for 13 days in 1987. The 45hp, 3,100 lb. (!!) car --with a claimed a top speed of 110mph, but only if pushed over a cliff-- sold for $11,000.

The other three cars currently in Hell are the Renault Le Car, GM EV-1 electric car, and the author's 1988 Chevrolet Camamro Z28, whose 5.7 liter V8 grenade itself on the Garden State Parkway in East Bumblef--k, Ocean County at 3:15AM during a snowstorm on Christmas morning. F--k that Camaro.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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