Written by wadenelson
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Tuesday, 8 November 2005

PANAMA CITY, Panama - "We do not torture," Bush declared in response to reports of secret CIA prisons overseas. Pausing, he adds, "Well, ahh, actually, I guess we do. Or did. You see, I've been born again for real this time, and I can't crucify Christ all over again by continuing to break the Ten Commandments, including the one about bearing false witness."

President Bush on Monday attempted to defend U.S. interrogation practices including an effort spearheaded by Vice President Dick Cheney to block or modify a proposed Senate-passed ban on torture. But then he broke down. "It's all a lie. The Bible says, "Let your yesses be yesses and your no's be no's. I've been saying "No Torture" while turning a blind eye to what's been going on in Abu Gharib, Guantanamo, and elsewhere. But no more.

Confessed Bush, "We always used to say, if a terrorist was going to use a nuclear weapon against a US City, then torture would be justified. But we're torturing suspects just to try and stem the death of GI's in Iraq. They don't have any WMD's. They never did. I ask the American public's forgiveness for lying to them. God has shown me that the consequences of my lying and failure to bring peace to the Middle East could lead to Armageddon, and I don't want to go down in history for that.

Bush said. "There's an enemy that lurks and plots and plans and wants to hurt America . And we will aggressively pursue them. But we will do so under the law, the Geneva Convention, and we will safeguard civil liberties as well. As for Cheney, he's going to be assigned to clean up after cabinet meetings from now on.

The mean, vindictive Cheney is still seeking to persuade Congress to exempt theCentral Intelligence Agency from the proposed torture ban, despite arguments by NCIS and JAG, and civil libertarians world-wide that torture violates all known tenets of civilized warfare.

"My lying to the American public got way out of hand" admitted a contrite Bush. I can hardly call myself a Christian the way I've acted. My sins have undone me. Fortunately, Jesus has stood in the gap and offered to save me, PROVIDED I quit lying, and start serving the public that elected me, instead of the rich folks and public interests that have controlled me. It was like being possessed -- by Satan. I got to where I no longer knew what the truth was.

Bush was asked about reports that the CIA was separately maintaining secret prisons in eastern Europe. It's true, it's wrong, and we're going to put a stop to it. "Our country is at war, and our government has the obligation to protect the American people. But not at the cost of destroying our country in order to save it."

For me to say "we do not torture," is like Clinton saying "I did not have sex with that woman. It's untrue. Only by redefining sex or torture can it become true. It's lying, that's what it really is, not telling the truth, even though I'm the president of the United States.

Separately, Sen. Edward M. Kennedy priased Bush's comments in Panama, demonstrating that the White House actually has learned something from Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo."

The United States drew worldwide condemnation after photographs circulated showing guards at the Abu Ghraib prison in Baghdad mistreating and humiliating prisoners. "That's going to end, said Bush. "For starters, we have no business in that country, adn we're going to get out before we create even more people who hate and want to attack America.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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