Flesh-Eating Tomatoes Reported Across Country

Washington, DC - The Department of Agriculture is warning consumers of a new threat in the produce aisle this summer. Flesh-eating tomatoes have been reported in dozens of cities across the country. No deaths have been recorded, but many people have lost fingers and thumbs to this new pest. Scientists believe genetic engineering, radiation from Fukushima, and Global Warming are all to blame.

Flesh-eating tomatoes look just like any other tomato--until they are awakened. Gigantic, razor-sharp teeth appear from nowhere if the flesh-eating tomato is touched. A horrific bite soon follows. The hungry tomatoes love eating fingers and thumbs. Many unhappy tomato-lovers have found themselves in the hospital after an attack, minus a digit or two. Once the attack is over, the flesh-eating tomato acts as tame as any other vegetable.

The Department of Agriculture recommends that consumers boil all tomatoes before eating them. The department also recommends consumers check tomatoes for any undigested fingers hidden inside.

Secretary of Agriculture Kenyatta Kumbaya has some sage advice for all produce consumers:

"We now live in a world of exploding watermelons, killer cucumbers, and now flesh-eating tomatoes. Please use caution and common sense before approaching any vegetable."