For the second Sunday in a row, network programming was interrupted for a news flash on May 9th. President Obama appeared on all major networks and cable TV to announce that Elvis Presley had been found alive and well in Pakistan!
Obama stated, "For decades the American public has speculated on whether Elvis was dead or alive. In eight years of the Bush administration, we heard not one word. I am proud to announce that a Special Forces team from the USO has located him and pictures and DNA have confirmed it. Elvis is still with us! Aint nothn but a hound dog still lives on in the hearts and minds of his countrymen."
Obama abruptly left the podium in the Green Room. Speculation is rampant.
First reports state that Presley was found right in the middle of Islamabad and under the very nose of the Pakistani government. A spokesman was quick to respond: "We know nothing about Mr. Presley and his being here. It is not our job, I repeat, not our job, to know of every American rock star that comes to live in our country seeking freedom of expression. But I will say this to the American government, if you make any attempt to take Elvis from us we will retaliate in the most extreme measures. We will flood the US film market with Pakistani movies! If the Americans think enhanced interrogation is cruel and unusual punishment, well, they haven't seen anything yet!"
Evidently, Mr. Presley was found living in luxurious conditions with several seventy-five year old groupies of mixed national origin. When the USO swat team first entered the compound, Presley and the groupies were huddled under a blanket watching old video tapes of The Ed Sullivan Show. One of the groupies wearing a mini-skirt and spike heels tried to stab a member of the team with a needle from an old Victrola. No injuries were reported.
In related news a source within the Obama administration, speaking on condition of anonymity, has stated that the US has offered Pakistan an additional thirty billion dollars in aide plus Pat Boone for the return of Elvis.