Written by Honey West
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Topics: Hippies

Saturday, 7 May 2011

image for Aging Hippie Injured By Lava Lamp
Aging Hippies Are A Public Health Menace

San Francisco, CA - Mark Bongmeister, age 65, has become yet another casualty of the 1960's hippie era - victim of a painful lava lamp accident. In fact, several thousand incidents involving the "lava" filled pop-art light contraptions have been reported in the San Francisco Bay area this year.

Local volunteer firefighter Tokin Edelman says, "Wow, man, it's gnarly out here, the oldsters tryin to relive their druggie sexed up youth, they put all their hopes on lava lamps. They gonna burn down the city at this rate! Damn!"

A Cincinnati based website , "Trippy Flashbacks, Inc." says they have trouble keeping up with the incredibly huge demand for lava lamps.

Owner Cheech "Pink Floyd" Chongster says, "Man, I feel bummed about the lava lamp accidents, but they gotta read the directions! It specifically says, right there on the damn box, 'do not smoke ganja while lava lamp is on'. Are these hippies blind or what?"

Lava Lamps have always been iconic symbols of the idealistic free love, free food and especially free beer and a place to throw up era of the 1960's, but now these beautiful swirly symbols have turned deadly in the wrinkled hands of old, hopelessly befuddled hippies.

Manufacturers of lava lamps have been ordered by the government to print a black skull and crossbones and a big shiny peace sign (so old hippies can fully understand the message), with the warning:

"DANGER! Do Not Sell To Aging Hippies Or Anyone Named 'Mr. Weedhead The Guru Love Man'."

Merchants who flout the law will be fined $1,000 per "SOFHT" - Stoned Old Fart Hippie Transaction.

Increasing numbers of aging hippies have been seen scurrying about in bell bottoms purchasing love bead necklaces, predictably getting all tangled up in them or falling down with a loud thud. They then blame everyone and everything in society on their infantile accident instead of themselves, as per usual. Boo hoo. Warnings on the beads and all old hippie paraphernalia will soon be required to avoid more of these silly effed up disasters.

Mr. Bongmeister is recovering from his lava lamp injuries in the "free" part of the hospital, not having held a job since 1967.

"All I wanted was a little blast from the past, and I ended up burned. It's all the MAN'S fault, man! Nothing's changed!"

His daughter, Skylark Daisychain Bongmeister, says "Daddy is a dork. We don't talk to him anymore. He'll probably just go out and buy another lava lamp. We can't stop him."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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