Written by Honey West
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Topics: Hair

Tuesday, 26 April 2011

image for British Hair In A Bottle?  American Women Say, 'No Way!"
Does British Hair Exist? No!

With the intense media coverage of Kate Middleton's pending entry into the rarified world of fashion icon-istic-fabulosity, American women who are always the primary targets of such rot, are being told by media pundits that Miss Middleton is the possessor of something called "British Hair".

Not only is her hair British, but the color -a quite ordinary shade of brunette - is being touted as a special British shade of rich chestnut, reminiscent of days of Yore or some type of place like the Renaissance or a fairytale land or something of that sort.

A backlash is building in the heartland of America on behalf of American Hair across the nation. Britney Sayles, 14, a middle school student from Gary, Indiana, is sick and tired of hearing about it.

"I'm not gonna watch the stupid snobby wedding, mainly because they keep talking about this chick's hair, and her hair isn't any better than my hair or my friend's hair. Let's put it this way - my hair is Red, White and Blue, how 'bout that for a frickin kickass color, huh?"

If the UK hairmeisters don't knock it off, they risk driving a permanent beauty wedge between American and British women.

There are rumors that Ms. Middleton has already signed a lucrative deal to put British hair in a bottle under the label "Brit Brown Sensations" in five fabulously ahhh-MAY-zing shades: Rugby Rich Brown, Cambridge Chestnut With Crème, Tawny Tea Time, I Love William Warmth, and Soccer Ball Sandtone.

Hairdresser to the stars Mr. Evian Roland says, "There is no such thing as British hair or any sort of mysterious rustic brown shade that is British. This is what I call "hair voodoo". Our beautiful American women have hair every bit as pretty and every bit as boringly ordinary brown as Kate's."

Stylists in the UK say there absolutely is such a thing as British hair and special lovely warm tones that "thick" Americans simply can't understand or duplicate on their own heads.

"Our British shades are a result of extensive inbreeding - that's the secret to our mystic beauty", claims an unnamed Brit hairdresser.

Brit Brown Sensations hair dye is due to be on American store shelves precisely 24 hours after the royal wedding, it's all been timed down to the second, as such idiotic things usually are.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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