Written by Two-Gun Crowley
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Wednesday, 13 April 2011

image for New Death Star to Sport Glacier Global Partners Logo
Despised symbol of galactic malice, the newly-christened Glacier Global Partners Death Star

The Galactic Empire's newest superweapon will be named the Glacier Global Partners Death Star. In an unusual cross-marketing deal, the most destructive force in the Universe will team up with a tiny, obscure White Plains, NY-based financial firm with only limited destructive potential.

The Death Star is a moon-sized space station and superweapon capable of destroying a planet with a single destructive beam. The Enron Death Star, a flawed predecessor, was destroyed by the Rebel Alliance in 2001 during a dispute over financial accounting abuses.

K-Pax, a spokesman for the loathed interplanetary dictatorship, said the Empire sees the move as a way to enhance its malicious image. "We wanted a brand that would reinforce the sense of fear and loathing people associate with the Galactic Empire." Despite Glacier Global's egregious reputation, the Empire's new link to a hapless local firm that is by all accounts barely scraping by could, however, erode its perceived invincibility, industry sources said.

Glacier Global was identified by the Empire's longtime advertising agency, B-Ad, based on a single focus group quirkily selected from a narrow segment of the Earth's human population. The focus group consisted of construction tradesmen, consumer credit collection agents, forensic house cleaners and Girl Scouts all from the White Plains area of New York. Group members supplied horrific anecdotes that quickly convinced Supreme Galactic Emperor E-Palp to shortcut the selection process. Glacier Global's leader, Y-Bum, quickly agreed to terms that included Glacier Global's promise to betray the rest of the human race when the time comes in return for immediate delivery of a new Wii electronic gaming console.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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