New York - It's been dubbed Michelle Obama's master grimoire of ovulation rites for dummies - 'something that ex-First Daughter Chelsea Clinton-Lewinsky-Mezvinsky could sorely use right now!'
The first print run hit NYC bookstores this morning and promises to spell out ages-old Illuminati mind control scams - including secret FLOTUS initiation rites to secure Presidential virility.
"Every First Lady of the United States since Martha Custis Washington (née Dandridge) has had special, almost supernatural powers," publisher Pentacles Anonymous commented today.
"Michelle is no different. Just look at the size of her bananas in the White House herb garden!"
Of the forty-four US First Ladies' tantric sex secrets surveyed Jackie Kennedy's Lunar Bedroom Tips tops the list of multiple orgasm techniques under a waxing Sperm Harvest full moon.
Ancient American Order of the Skull 'N' Bones osteoporosis-division member Nancy Reagan's astrologically aligned bonking helplist includes putting sprigs of deadly nightshade in a husband's nightcap of rum and goatmilk (don't ask!).
And Laura Bush's legendary rattlesnake venom poultices are recommended for Theocon-related penile dysfunction during solar eclipses.
"This apparently also works miracles for premature ejaculators such as White House wannabes Al Gore, John Kerry and Mitt Romney," editorial sources added.
"We reckon Bess Truman may have been behind turning Richard Nixon into a eunuch," Carnegie Hill resident Chevvy Chevron told reporters.
Barbara Bush is 127.