Written by Jalapenoman
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Wednesday, 28 September 2005

image for Justice Department Probe into Defective Bullet Proof Vests
Your new bullet proof vest can also lift and separate!

The United States Justice Department has launched a probe to investigate the recent manufacture and usage of questionable bullet proof vests. These vests were purchased by the federal government and were used in cases by high ranking government officials, including senior congressional, court, and cabinet officials and the president.

Early discoveries have found that the material in the vest was not Kevlar, as the tag stated, but merely hardened silicone. When asked to explain this discrepancy, a representative from vest manufacturer Playtex, Sharon Boulders, said: "We were trying to branch out in our industry. The government no longer allows us to do silicone breast injections and has authorized limited use of silicone implants. We had a large supply of silicone on hand and knew that it worked well in the chest area as padding. We did some testing on our vests, discovered that they can also lift and separate, and everything seemed to work out okay."

"In fact, we also personalized some of our bullet proof vests for some of the politicians. Have you noticed how Hillary seems to be a lot more upbeat and perky since she has been campaigning for the Democratic nomination? She didn't go from her dour, A-cup self to a happy, stacked lady without some help! That's our C-cup model making the difference! Bill even notices her now."

"Hollywood stars have also used our products. DO you want to know why Britney got so much bigger when she went from being a mousketeer to being a famous pop star? She felt that she needed the protection and enhancement that our product provided. It hasn't harmed her image either!"

"We can use our ever versitile product to mold and fit whereever you want enhancement. I don't want to name names, but have you ever wondered why Oprah seems to get fatter and skinnier from day to day? Did you really think that was only J-Lo in those pants?"

Retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Conner did not agree. "I'm an old lady. I could care less is anyone checks out my rack; I just don't want 'em shot off. I paid for kevlar and I want kevlar, not a wonder bra!"

The president could not be reached for comment. A source that refused to be identified said that he was in the oval office playing with his new man boobs.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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