Written by Ted Haxton Jr.
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Friday, 23 September 2005

image for Texans Blame Rita's Approach on New Orleans Evacuees, Tell Them to Leave!
Texans Blame Hurricane Rita on Evacuees from New Orleans

Texans are up in arms over the approach of Hurricane Rita, believing that the nasty bitch has followed the New Orleans Evacuees to their state. President Bush released the following statement to the press.

"Man, I jus' cain't believe it! We Texicans invite these N'arlons folks over fer a nice visit, we let ‘em stay in our football stadiums rent-free, we let ‘em have all the hotdogs and cokes they ken stuff down their gullets, and this is the way they repay us?!! This is jes' not right! Did they hafta brung their bad weather with ‘em?"

US Meteorologist William "Windy" Winstrom announced that Rita is making a beeline for Houston, where the bulk of the New Orleans Evacuees have been staying. "This is just plain weird; it's as if Rita knows exactly where those folks went. Don't tell me God don't have a sense of humor!"

FEMA Officials don't know what to do. Said one FEMA representative, who wished to remain anonymous, "We don't need this sh_t! Our leader quits, we get blamed for everything from the West Nile Virus to the death of that girl in the Bahamas. Now this! We're suggesting that all New Orleans Evacuees find someplace else to go, muy pronto!"

President Bush has released a list of possible areas of refuge for the evacuees from Hurricane Katrina:
1. California: the good news is there's no hurricanes in California; the bad news is that, unless you're a multi-millionaire many times over, you won't be able to afford didly as far as housing is concerned. Oh yeah, and they do have another problem: Earthquakes!
2. The Northwest US: The good news is that Oregon, Washington, Wyoming Montana, and Idaho are all real green and have plenty of room. The bad news is that they're green because it rains around 300 days of the year. And when it ain't rainin', it's snowin'. Oh, and they have one other little problem: Volcanoes!
3. The Southwest US: Arizona, Nevada, and New Mexico are nice enough places. The good news is it doesn't rain much at all. And the bad news is … it doesn't rain much at all. And when it's 120 in the shade, you'll wish it would rain. And when you're forced to watch teams like the Arizona Cardinals & Diamondbacks, well you'll certainly be reminded of the bad ole days: remember the New Orleans Ain'ts?
4. The Northern US (along the Canadian border): The good news is … oh, never mind; it's so cold so often up north, there isn't much good news. It'll certainly be a change, and there's not much humidity.
5. The East Coast: the good news is they talk funny in both New England (Baaston) and New York, so your southern accents won't matter much there. The bad news is they hate anyone not born in those areas, so you'd better just forget the East.
6. Cuba?: No, hurricanes love Cuba more than they love the South.
7. Europe: How are your foreign language skills? Know any French? German? Italian? Maybe you could go and stay with Lance in France; he could use a few friends.

President Bush added, "Good luck to y'all! And don't forgit to vote for my brother Jeb in the next presidential election!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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