LOS ANGELES, CA - ABC's fading warhorse, "Dancing With The Stars," is set to premier yet again Monday night, March 21st, setting off raging protests across the country, as citizens try to cope with the horror of yet another long season of has-beens on the dance floor.
In Chicago, a stuffed likeness of host Tom Bergeron was burned in effigy, with rioters crying out, "Make it stop, dear God, our friend; please don't let them dance again!"
A television reporter in San Antonio was forced into a humiliating nude tango by angry bystanders, offended by the dearth of Hispanic contenders on the show. One man said, "You mean to tell me they can't get Marc Anthony or Eric Estrada? Estrada will shill for anything!"
In Hollywood, a grassroots coalition calling themselves the NMKA - No More Kirstie Alley! - stormed the DWTS set, demanding that the "actress" be removed from competition. NMKA spokesman Dick Lively said, "We've been subjected to Ms. Alley's lunacy for far too long as it is, and now we have to see her fat ass motoring around a dance floor. Enough!"
When New Yorkers were asked on the street, even gay men were heard to say, "Sweet Jesus, let it end! Ballroom is sacred and they've bastardized it too much already."
An unnamed representative for contestant Sugar Ray Leonard would say only, "I don't know; maybe he's more in debt than we knew. Who would do this voluntarily?"
The remaining cast members include yet another old-bag actress, some jerk from the NFL, the obligatory Disney kid, the obligatory Playboy nymphet, a censured U.S. congressman, a defrocked television minister and four other people no one has ever heard of.
Co-hosting with Bergeron this season will be a rotating roster of Kardashian sisters, from the family's seemingly-never-ending supply.