Written by wadenelson
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Topics: Detroit

Tuesday, 20 September 2005

Detroit -- As anyone ever stuck behind one knows, minivan drivers are the worst. Timid, distracted, unwilling to make a left hand turn with anything less than a quarter-mile break in oncoming traffic, they're basically afraid of anything and everyting. Today, researchers confirmed what we already knew: Minivan drivers suck!

According to researchers, "Anyone choosing a minivan at the time of vehicle purchase inidicates they're a loser to begin with. You've got SUV's with three row seating, and bumpers that can smash ordinary cars out of the way. Why would you choose a gutless, boxy vehicle that handles lousy?"

"You wouldn't eat at McDonalds every night just because it's the only place the kids like, so why would you choose a car you have to drive every day just because it has a DVD player for the rear seat passengers? A four door, sure, but put the kids in the trunk if you need to. Get a car that YOU enjoy driving instead of surrendering to mediocrity.

Toyota, with their 260 horsepower Sienna, seems to have recognized what other minivan manufacturers haven't; that blowing Subarus and Honda's doors off is FUN, even if you have two sliding doors and a slew of screaming progeny in the back.

You look inside the typical minivan, and the floor is coated with french fries, cereal snacks, and spilled beverages. You might as well wrap the entire interior in Saran wrap the day you buy the thing; lets face it. When it comes time to sell it you're gonna take it in the shorts because of what your kids did.

Parents unwilling to pull over and spank their kids, or teach them to behave, seem to be particularly enamored with minivans. It's like towing around a McDonalds Playland. The kids can go to hell in the back seat. Who cares. All that's missing is the roll-up window you get in limousines. It's amazing mini-van manufacturers haven't thougth of that yet.

Perhaps the only area in which a minivan excels over an SUV is in rollover safety. But a station wagon, like the Subaru Outback or Volvo XC70 beats the pants off a minivan in that category as well. So it must just be losers who buy minivans.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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