Today on Fox News, the Nationwide Tea Party Coalition explained the reasons behind the sight of a dozen of its members falling from the sky near Roswell, New Mexico. Spokesman Christian Wright said, "It had nothing to do with an alien attack, although Roswell has suffered from them over the years. We believe it was a practice run for the Rapture that is about to take place during the End Times. I guess those poor souls just weren't born again like me and my son Farr."
Roswell Police Chief Selden Wronk disagreed with Wright and said that autopsies revealed that most of the deceased had only half a brain. "I believe this indicates the work of aliens," said Wronk. "Their brains were sucked out by those little green men that run rampant around here." In contrast, House leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) said that the new Tea Party members in Congress "always seemed to be a little light upstairs-just like me-not quite a full cup of tea, so to speak."
Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann (R-MN), a Tea Party activist and much admired by the Minnesota Militia, blamed the human "fallout" on a Democratic Party attempt to weaken the Tea Party movement. Sporting a brown shirt with lightning bolt monograms above each breast, Bachmann goose-stepped her way to the podium at a rally in Minneapolis and screeched, "The Founding Fathers knew about the dangers presented by Democrats like Thomas Madison and James Jefferson."
When told that she had mixed up their names and that they were two of the Founding Fathers, Bachmann replied, "That's not the way it is in the history book I'm writing. Just ask Sarah. By the way, can anyone recommend an ophthalmologist? My eyes seem to wander."