Written by wadenelson
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Topics: Fire, Family

Tuesday, 13 September 2005

image for Kennebunkport Family Stranded on Rooftop
White Folks trapped on Kennebunkport Roof

Maine -- A Kennebunkport family briefly stranded on their roof "absolutely swears" they'll never call 911 again, "even if the house is on fire." According to Martin Baker, "My family and I had climbed up on the roof to enjoy the sunset. Somehow the ladder fell down, and we were stuck." What happened next could never, ever happen in New Orleans.

After dialing 9-11 and informing local authorities of their predicament, firetrucks from four nearby precincts responded, including two volunteer squadrons, and a hook-and-ladder from nearby Wasach. In the mean time, two sherrif's patrol vehicles and an animal control officer had arrived and replaced the ladder, allowing the family to safely descend from theroof. That was at 8:38.

At 9:02, a Coast Guard helicopter that had been fifty miles at sea rescuing a lobster boat that had overturned arrived on the scene, lowering a basket and illuminating not the Baker's residence, but the one next door. Two news helicopters hovered nearby, as fire and police officials again responded, thinking that "there must be an emergency if there's a rescue chopper."

At 9:17, Boston Med AirCare's Bell LongRanger helicopter arrived on the scene, the first of the helicopters to actually arrive at the correct house. Unequipped with a searchlight, AirCare dropped magnesium flares, which reportedly started several grass fires in the neighborhood that residents scrambled to put out. "At that point, we thought we were under attack said Martin Baker, who ejected from his Lazy-Boy and called 9-11 back and started screaming at them."

Before long, CNN, ABC, and the local CBS affiliate all had satellite uplink vans parked in the Baker's neighborhood, and pets, including the Baker's scrounging mongrel "Ruff" were fleeing in the face of all the mayhem. "It was about then that the troops from the local National Guard unit arrived. They not only had ladders, they'd commandeered a cherry-picker from the local electrical co-op to rescue the Bakers, who were inside attempting to watch "Big Brother," down from the roof.

"11:33 is when the Army Blackhawk arrived, setting down in a nearby public park. "It was really fancy, with machine guns and thing said Timmy Baker, who couldn't sleep with all the ruckus. Out poured a team of Rangers with rapelling gear and rope ladders, who drilled holes in the side of the Baker's house for their carabiners. "The first thing I saw was sawdust and a 1 3/4" drill coming through my family room wall," said Baker. "Next came a lag bolt."

By morning, the Baker's lawn was trashed, and food vendors had set up stands to feed the hungry newsmen, clamoring for an interview with the Baker family. At 06:30, after changing out of her bathrobe, Martin and Anita Baker eventually relented, said, "Thanks, we appreciate all the help, good luck and GOODBYE!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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