Ayman Al-Zawahiri, top ranking Al-Qaeda official, released a video message Thursday calling for an end to U.S. occupation in Iraq and the release of his vintage collection of Mad Magazines. According to Al-Zawahiri, failure to respond to the demand will result in an unequivocal annihilation of hundreds of American infidels, both overseas and at home.
This newest Al-Qaeda threat comes at the heels of the United States' revision of the Patriot Act, criticized by many as infringing upon the privacy rights of individuals. According to the new ruling, Internet, cell phone, banking, and even library records can be used by authorities in the pursuit of terrorist criminals. Similarly, property investigation and confiscation can be executed without obtaining proper search warrants previously required by law. Al-Zawahiri knows too well of the controversial ruling, as just this month his personal stash of classic "funny pages" were seized by the Federal Bureau of Investigation. The collection, thought to be worth thousands, contained such memorable issues as "Pukes of Hazzard, The Incredible Bulk," and even the classic "We Drown Out Watergate" episode.
Federal agents have known for years of Al-Zawahiri's magazine tastes and personal obsessions with Alfred E. Newman. "We started noticing it in subtle things," said Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff this week. "The guy's nuts about Spy vs. Spy' and has been ever since the late 60's. Once, we confiscated a laptop with all sorts of crazy weapons that [Al-Zawahiri] had come up with. Luckily for us, any attempt to operate such a WMD results in its inevitable backfire." Still, government officials took Al-Zawahiri's plans seriously as courier pigeons were no longer allowed flight within many major US cities and ridiculously large metal springs attached to boxing gloves were placed strategically across American borders. "We just couldn't take any chances," Chertoff later said.
The demands made by Ayman Al-Zawahiri were first seen on Aljazeera television and seemed to spark great controversy throughout the Middle Eastern world. "We call all faithful men to holy Jihad," said the Pakistani resident, Al-Ahrim. "May those American dogs die a thousand painful deaths." Tensions throughout the Middle East have continued to increase as most in the region view Mad as the only truly Islamic magazine printed in the western hemisphere. From Istanbul to Islamabad, Alfred E. Newman is known as Ali-Newman, sojourner for the true faith. With such ties to spirituality and religious identity, many see the confiscation of Al-Zawahiri's collection as a direct attack upon themselves.
President Bush commented on these events early Friday during a press conference by saying, "Finders keepers." He continued by saying, "I've spent all day trying to figure out that back page cartoon, without cheating and folding it." Democrats were quick to respond by pointing out how Republicans destroy the ozone and have a preposterous plan for saving Social Security. Clearly political debate on this issue is far from over.
Al-Zawahiri concluded his propaganda message by saying "Do you call this a war on terror? I say it is a Boring Error!'" Such rhetoric reminds General Nathaniel Jefferson of exactly what we are fighting for. "These guys think they can take the things we as Americans value most and discard them as if they are nothing." Jefferson concluded, "So, you want to know if we consider this a war on terror? Then here's a Snappy Answer' for your Stupid Question' Mr. Al-Zawahiri. Answer- No it's not a war on terror, the navy seals just decided to drop into town for tea and crumpets. Soon they will be ready for nap time and will head back home."