Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Thursday, 3 March 2011

SANTA MONICA, CA - It seems everyone these days is affected by the turmoil in the Middle East and North Africa. When trouble erupts in these volatile regions of the world, oil prices are surely to be negatively influenced. Consequently, every aspect of our lives here on the opposite side of the world takes a major hit, usually in the pocketbook more than anywhere else.

With the recent civil unrest in Egypt, Libya, Bahrain, and soon almost certainly in many other Middle Eastern countries, oil prices have begun to soar back up to the levels we saw in 2008, when a barrel of crude topped $150. Gas prices flirted with the $5.00 mark per gallon back that summer, resulting in problems with the automobile industry, interstate commerce, and countless other slices of daily life dependent on the use of oil-based products.

Numerous industries have come to the forefront amidst this crisis to put their collective heads together attempting to combat these price hikes. Each is doing its part, however large or small, to buffer the impact of higher prices at the pump, which ultimately is where it hits the average person. The pornographic film industry is following suit. "Making ends meet" and "getting ahead" might have totally different meanings for these folks, but just because they love more than anything to get naked and have loads of coitus in front of a camera, that doesn't mean they don't harbor sympathy for the plight of everyday America.

"We know how expensive it can be to fill up anything, whether it be a tight, fuzzy kooch or a 30-gallon automobile gas tank." asserts Jack Meoff, one of the industry's top performers, starring in over 100 films in the past year. "That's why we're going to do what we can to help out."

Meoff is among thirty pornographic actors, directors, and producers who have gotten together to form an alliance, tentatively calling itself "Porn Stars for Petroleum Preservation." Its aim is to conserve oil-based products typically used in the filming of their brand of entertainment, chiefly petroleum jelly, in hopes of minimizing the necessity for foreign oil in order to satisfy needs other than for fuel consumption. And as we all know, nobody knows how to satisfy needs more than these folks do.

"I am personally donating the forty cases of Vaseline we have stockpiled in the spare room of the motel suite we rent monthly to conduct business." announced Dickie Duncan, director, producer, and president of Ecstasy Entertainment, the industry's sixth-leading production studio. "That should count for something."

When this offer was brought to the attention of leaders in the petroleum industry, it was met with sincere appreciation but tempered with regretable realism. All the executives agreed that it was a generous offer, but it would be merely a drop in the bucket in terms of conservation. Charles Hightower, CEO for Byloselhi Petroleum Corporation, stated it this way, "Although it is a fact that the pornography business is a heavy user of petroleum products for ease of mobility in tight spaces, the reality is that they simply don't use enough of the stuff to offset any cost hikes associated with the purchase of crude oil."

Duncan has a different take on it. "Oh, you'd be surprised how much we go through in a normal workday. Typically, we shoot about ten fifteen-minute videos each day, and in each of those, a jar or so of Vaseline is used to keep things pumping smoothly." He scratches his head, and with a coy smile, continues. "And that's only when we shoot guy-on-girl scenes. We use even more of it when we're shooting gay sex."

Despite the oil companies' polite decline when presented with their offer, "Porn Stars for Petroleum Preservation" will continue to round up the Vaseline jars. They have even created a slogan for their venture into thespianism. While everyone else claims to be "going green" these days, the porn industry is very proud to say it's "Going Dry for America." Undoubtedly painful, indeed, but since almost all actors are under the influence of something when they are shooting a scene, will they ever notice a difference? Some performers have expressed concern.

"Dry humping is one thing, because that's done with your clothes on." Helen deSac, top-grossing porn queen for the past three years and two-time winner of the Golden Phallyx, porn industry's equivalent to the Oscar, says with a nervous grin. "Now they want us to perform without lube. As many of us quickly discovered, things that aren't made to go into other things but do anyway because of lubrication won't in the absence of such substance without great effort, leading to serious discomfort and even possible injury." She pauses a moment to absorb what just flowed out of her own mouth in one breath, then continues. "At the very least, it's gonna burn like the fucking clap!"

Linda Labia, another sensual starlet who was nominated for best actress in an alternative sex scene in "Don't Let Your Son Go Down On Me," last year's best video, has also decided to donate her time to help raise money to alleviate the oil shortage. Miss Labia has put up for auction on eBay's "backroom auctionhouse" five different "one-night fantasies" in which each winning bidder will get to spend the night with Miss Labia and do whatever he or she wishes with/to her. "I kind of liken these nights with me to baseball fanatsy camps or the 'NASCAR driving experience', only with me the ride is all night long instead of just a half-hour. Five lucky strangers will get a taste of Labia." She giggles and continues. "It's just something I kind of came up with while servicing a group of high-end clients the other day. Maybe more of us will donate our services as well as our lube. Afterall, there is no I in orgy!"

Regardless of how much of an impact these contributions will make in the grand scheme of this latest oil debacle, the apparent generosity emanating from what might otherwise be thought of as an industry of political indifference has to be rather refreshing to those who only know what they know of this profession from what they see on the television screen. These people are more than just a bunch of pretty faces or well-endowed organs. You can now add big hearts to those humongous breasts and penises, even when they're attached to the same body.

More power to the people who have always done their best to put the tit in titillation, the ass in association, and the dic in dictation, not that the last two of those have much to do with their profession. Now they're putting the hole in wholeheartedness, and there's nothing wrong with that! Way to go, porn stars...keep up the good work!!

Make C. Lance the Freelance's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 3 multiplied by 5?

3 15 20 13

Go to top ^