Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Saturday, 26 February 2011

image for Justin Bieber Is In Paradise As He Spends A Few Days Relaxing Down At Robert Pattinson's Texas Ranch
The weather vane located on Robert Pattinson's Texas ranch. (Photo courtesy of Eva Longoria).

LAREDO - Canadian heartthrob Justin Bieber spent three days relaxing down on Robert Pattinson's Texas ranch, El Rancho De La Senora Loca (The Crazy Woman Ranch).

Bieber told a reporter for The Cucamonga Chit Chat Chronicle that he had a great time and that he had never in his life seen so many oil wells, rattlesnakes, tumbleweeds, cactus, cattle, and cowboy boots with spurs.

Justin said that the first day he was there he actually got to witness a cattle stampede first hand.

He laughed as he said that luckily for him the cattle were stampeding away from him towards the Clint Eastwood Creek and not towards him as he sat in the ranch's 2011 Jeep Cherokee Laredo.

Bieber said the jeep was equipped with state-of-the-art electronic equipment including a coyote detector, two high-powdered telescopic rifles, and a $300,000 electronic device imported from Osaka, Japan that lets you know whenever you drive over land that has oil below it.

Bieber asked his ranch guide Montezuma "El Matador" De La Corona why there were so many roadrunners on the ranch. He was informed that the roadrunners are mortal enemies of the rattlesnakes who do not fear the rattlesnakes and they are used to drive the 'sidewinders' over to the next ranch.

Justin got a puzzled look on his face and asked if the people who live on the adjoining ranch don't have roadrunners as well. De La Corona started laughing and replied that they do and that as a result it is a constant ongoing game of 'cat and mouse' except that they refer to it as 'roadrunners and rattlesnakes.'

Young Bieber was also amazed to see so many oil wells. He asked his guide how many oil wells were on Pattinson's 3,175 acre ranch. Matty as Pattinson calls him, scratched his head for a moment. He took out a pad and pencil and did some quick figuring.

He then told Bieber that the number was now up to 89 because Roberto, as the ranch workers call Pattinson, had recently instructed his ranch foreman Cody "Buckshot" Diamondwood to fly up to San Antonio and purchase two more oil wells from The American Amalgamated Oil Well Company.

Bieber asked Matty what he thought about Sarah Palin's shooting and hunting ability. De La Corona started coughing so hard he almost ran over a wild stallion that was laying down resting in the middle of the ranch road.

He gained his composure and said that "Snowflake" is no hunter. Bieber asked "She isn't?"

De La Corona replied that first of all no true hunter goes around shooting big game animals from a helicopter like silly Sarah does.

Secondly he said that "Dog Sled" Sarah only shoots animals that are so tame, such as moose, caribou, and reindeer, that one would find them happily mingling with kids in a children's 'Petting Zoo."

Matty started laughing. He said "Justin can you imagine someone shooting a reindeer? Where the hell is the skill in doing that?

Damn...that's like shooting a family parrot or a pet turtle. That takes no skill whatsoever. Think about it Bieber, 'Snow Plow' Palin goes around shooting Santa Claus's means of transportation - and I have heard that she usually shoots the poor defenseless animals when they are either sleeping or mating."

De La Corona then said that he would like to see the Alaskan big tame game hunting bitch come down to Texas and stalk and hunt some real mean-as-hell animals such as wild boar (javelinas), mountain lions, and badgers who could all turn the "Polar Princess" into a housewife quicker than she could say "I think that today I'll bake some cute little oatmeal raisin cookies."

Bieber started laughing and said, "Hey I hear ya Matty. So I guess what you're saying is that 'Old Crosshairs' may wear a camouflage jockstrap, but she certainly ain't got nothing to dangle in it huh?"

"You got it Bieber...you effen got it little dude!"

The Cucamonga Chit Chat Chronicle is reporting that Bieber would like to record his next music video on Rob Pattinson's Texas ranch.i]

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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