Terrorist Osama bin Laden's whereabouts were finally discovered by authorities last week. It seems he was be hiding on the low-rated CW Network. National Security Council Spokesman
Mike Hammer (yes, that's his real name) told reporters that the rumor is true and that he expects to apprehend the Al-Qaeda mastermind immediately.
"It seems Osama has been on the CW for at least four years," Hammer said, "but no one was watching any of the shows, except for Vampire Diaries and America's Top Model, which he cleverly avoided appearing on. But thanks to an unexpected ratings bump due to the success of Hellcats, an alert viewer spotted him and called a government hotline to inform us."
The viewer, forty-four-year-old Barry Antwerp of Cedar Rapids, Michigan, explains, "I was watchin' Hellcats by myself one night. I wasn't watchin' it just to leer at teenage girls, I swear. It really is a well-written show, well-attuned to the cruelties of youth. Anyhow, they're at this football game, and there he is in the background, eatin' a hot dog, just as plain as day! Osama! I can't believe I'm the only one who noticed. When the camera spots him, he looks kinda startled and he throws the hot dog on the ground."
Since the discovery it has been confirmed that bin Laden has appeared in the background of several CW shows with fair-to-crappy ratings, including 90210, Gossip Girl, and loads of "tweener" crap you've never heard of. One fairly noticeable appearance was on Smallville. While Clark Kent is seen busily working at the Daily Planet, Osama can be seen pushing a doughnut cart.
CW President Dawn Ostroff expressed surprise at the revelation. She also was quick to take issue with Hammer's assessment of their network. "It's not true that we are the worst network on TV. People would have you believe we're worse than Fox, but actually we're continually tied with them in the ratings. Today's television schedule is a vast sea of obscure cable channels, so it's hardly fair to say our channel is all that lame. You could be watching What Not to Wear on TLC or Cooking with Otters on The Food Network, or a fucking tennis match. Compared to that stuff we don't look so bad."
Hammer summarizes, "It was a perfect plan. Most CW viewers are teenagers who don't care about world events or even know who Osama is. But like all evil plans, it was doomed to fail sooner or later."