WASHINGTON (AP)-US President George Bush has taken personal control of the coordination of relief efforts for the thousands of dying victims of Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans and throughout the Deep South.
"We'll be sparing no expense to soothe those poor unfortunate peoples," said Bush at a White House press conference. He held up a miniature copy of the Revised Republican Bible which will be placed in impermeable plastic bags and dropped in the tens of thousands from helicopters to save the souls of the flood victims.
The special Republican care package will also contain a picture of the grinning President himself, a piece of White House cake, as well as a coffee mug variously emblazoned with such slogans as "I'm a Proud Republican," "I Love Jesus and Big Oil," "I Love Halliburton," and "I Love the US Corps of Army Engineers."
Reporters were allowed to skeptically inspect the proposed care package.
"We Republicans have a lot to make up for, especially since we let that hurricane disaster happen through our neglect of funding and engineering of the New Orleans levees, just like we let 9/11 happen in order to give us an excuse to grab foreign oil fields," Bush admitted. "My policies also cause increased pollution and greenhouse gas emissions from industry and global warming, and this helps pump up those hurricanes into fantastic engines of mass destruction. The next hurricanes will really wipe them out!"
After he calmed down, Bush added, "Still, there is simply no excuse for those survivors to be looting and taking things from stores, even if it is only to get food in order to try to survive. Property rights are far more important that any human rights according to our fine Republican philosophy and must be respected at all cost."
Several reporters then asked Bush whether such a care package' would really prove to be useful to the survivors at all.
Bush pondered his response to this for several seconds.
"Let me put it this way," he finally said. "If those poor waterlogged bastards don't read the Bible and stop looting and shooting people, we'll just have to machine gun them and continue to withhold supplies until they die off," he warned. "Let them eat cake and pray to Jesus, or else. They sure can't call me the AntiChrist now!"