Written by anthonyrosania
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Topics: Lindsay Lohan, Kids

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

The Sh-tty Parents Alliance of America, a watchdog group for parents who are only interested in keeping their kids alive until they're eighteen, has taken the bold step of releasing its recommended dietary guidelines for children.

"The guidelines that the US government uses to decide what the little f--kers should be eating are based on a food pyramid," said SPAA Director Michael Lohan. "The same pyramids that've f--ked up Egypt."

"We base our guidelines on the revised major food groups, and take into consideration what kind of fuel kids need at different times in the day."

The basic food groups: Frostings and Icings, Microwaveable Breaded Meats, Pastes and Glues, Schedule IV Drugs / Sugar-frosted Cereals and MnDonalds, contain both recommended daily allowances and tips on which time of day children should eat them, based on their parents nefarious goals.

"Four Loko and cake frosting is the ideal breakfast," continued Lohan, whose daughter, Lindsay, was the Alliance's first success story. "It gives kids plenty of energy, and helps them relax enough to learn something."

"Kids that snack on paste in school are 832% less likely to binge on adhesives late in the day, and are 95% more likely to sh-t usable, kiln-ready building bricks. Now that is multi-tasking."

Lohan feels that the SPAA is also responsible for Lindsay's financial success.

"Before I found the SPAA, Linsday was just an intelligent, talented girl with plenty of potential. Now, Firecrotch is a hell of an earner, and can stay out of jail for months at a time."

Lohan feels that the Alliance's entire suite of child-rearing guides are the perfect way to prepare youngsters for their most important pre-adult role: Indentured servitude.

"Look, the faster you can get kids to be self-sufficient, the less you have to interact with them. Ten years ago my kids needed me for everything. Now, I throw a $20.00 bill at my 8-year-old, and 30 minutes later there is a six-pack of Miller Genuine Draft and 2 packs of Newports on the kitchen table," Lohan concluded. "I thank SPAA for everything."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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