Written by KRS
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Topics: Pornography, Weather

Wednesday, 2 February 2011

image for Wintery Storm forces Snatch.web to Declare Force Majeure  and To Consider Bankruptcy Protection
Global Commerce

Sarajevo- Janos Vaginespenilli, CEO of SNATCH.web, parent company of TITSRUS.web, GYN4FUN.web,RECTALBLISS.web and ANYTHING4PERVS.web, held a press conference to announce suspension of all payments to creditors, pending a meeting of his Board of Directors to address the stunning drop in revenues due to the work slowdown in North America caused by inclement weather.

Vaginespenilli told a randy assortment of reporters that the blustery snow and sleet storm encompassing more than half the offices in America has caused a catastrophic drop in revenue, necessitating an immediate premature withdrawal of all distributions, emissions and dividends. "We've seen a 97% drop in online per minute revenue from Capital Hill, the Pentagon and Fortune 500 companies. We have experienced a 10% spurt in revenues originating from airport Wi-Fi networks and subways, but not nearly enough to offset our flaccid earnings. Adding to this, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarek's shutting down their internet network further eroded our standing. Future threats of similar network shutdowns in the Muslim world may leave us no other option."

Vaginespenilli added that SNATCH.web has instituted a discount for all of it's cultural feeds to the Pacific Rim and the entire Southern hemisphere, pending improved meteorological conditions in North America, which generates 69% of SNATCH.web's revenue. Citing a slight uptick in the 10:00-11:30 PM demand for their service in the United States, CFO. Candy De Lectable told the very attentive crowd that the slight enlargement in that slot was insignificant and she barely noticed it. "It would appear that most of our patrons are more inclined to use our services in the workplace. We speculate that they feel more relaxed to avail themselves of our neurologically stimulating content in the privacy of their own offices...and on the company dime. This may account for the disproportionate amount of our service delivered in the Greenbelt of the greater D.C. area, including Alexandria Virginia."

It is unclear how large an impact a bankruptcy filing would have on GDP, but should similar educational websites follow suit, it could cause a run on Adult Video Stores and jam metropolitan telephone lines with calls to Massage Parlors and Escort Services.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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