Written by Morse
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Topics: Death, Old People

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

image for Local Man Shocked When He Finds Everyone Else  His Age is Dead, Or Have Lost Sense of Humour!
Melvin Fell Asleep after Realizing There Was No Place He Wanted to Go.

Local Man, and sometimes Spoof Writer, Melvin Wordsmithe, well recovered from his walk about in an attempt to find 'good news' to write about, was shocked today when he found out no one else his age still lives or can laugh about the phenomena.

The horrific realization came to Melvin today soon after the arrival of the daily mail from the local letter carrier. Amidst the usual amount of bills and advertisements for male enhancement devices, discount cruises and store coupons for everything in the world he no longer needed, he clutched the latest alumni rag from his former University where he studied nothing to enhance his later career in commerce.

Skimming quickly to the Immemorial Page he found that no one in his class had died, and moved forward to comments from his class year, to find that coverage had ended on the class that graduated 5 years after he matriculated.

Puzzled, he rang up the alumni office on his office commuter and was told in no uncertain terms, that there was no one from his class, who accidentally may have been alive, worth any interest to the University, or to anyone else at all, really.

Questioned further, the student part time employee read from the records, stating in a rather cruel way that there had been many opportunities over the past four decades for Melvin to have participated in fund drives by the University to ensure that he would never be forgotten.

"I see," said the voice on the computer, " that you declined the University's offer to participate in the half way house for Pedophile Priests named "Sixth Time Around", you didn't contribute toward the tuition funding for displaced Somali Pirates, and even sent back the contribution envelope supporting Huey Newton in the late 60's soon after you were graduated and earning a living in the US Army. And by the way, being over seas and drawing combat pay is no excuse, especially with all the battles going on our campus over here!"

Seeing no future in any additional discourse, Melvin disconnected from the internet to ponder his current state.

In reflection, he realized he received no Christmas Cards this season, but did receive a politically correct unsigned card urging him to "Enjoy December...it could be your last!"

Myrna, his loving wife who he long suffered, and was probably the cause of his life long depression, only cemented his feeling of isolation.

When approached in the kitchen she seemed mildly surprised to see him. "You still here, then?" she sniffed, as she popped another load of Brownies into the Micro for the morning gathering of 'her girls' as they prepared to take in "The View" and lead a discussion group shortly afterwards.

Melvin thought it might be time for another walk around, but after studying the situation, he finally realized there really wasn't anyplace he really wanted to go.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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